Lost alone confused a mess
Going through all of this distress
Don’t know how much more I can take
I hate everything being so fake
I feel like I don’t belong
Been like this for far too long
The worlds going on around me
Still I don’t always see
Feel like I am living in a dream
Nothing is as it may seem
I cruise along with life going on around
Not really hearing much of a sound
Everything seems so unreal
I don’t even know how to feel
For in order to cope I dissociate
It goes on at an alarming rate
I am so numb, unsure
Can’t take it anymore
I just want to heal
Make everything again be real
So now, I know I must
In someone, learn to again trust
So I may no longer feel so much shame
No longer take all of the blame….
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
poem...fear
My body lying frozen with fear
The only thing I shed is another tear
While another night I lie awake
How much more can my body take??
In the mirror as I look that reflection is not me
Who is it that i see?
The monster is staring back at me bold
Her eyes are stone cold
Into a dream or flashback I am beckoned
And it does not relent not even for a second
The pain I am carrying so deep
My body cries out for some sleep
Will I ever be free again?
I experience so much pain…
The images are so real they cannot be undone
No matter how much I try to run
So many years have gone by
Yet still I sit and wonder why
It was my reality from years past
It isn’t just a dream that lasts
Constantly living with guilt and shame
I feel that I am to blame
I turn all the anger, hatred back to me
In my attempt to set myself free
As I try to rebuild my life from the start
I want to heal my very broken heart
How long will this take I do not know
I need to find the route to follow
Though I am not alone and that helps me to know
I will make it through this somehow….
The only thing I shed is another tear
While another night I lie awake
How much more can my body take??
In the mirror as I look that reflection is not me
Who is it that i see?
The monster is staring back at me bold
Her eyes are stone cold
Into a dream or flashback I am beckoned
And it does not relent not even for a second
The pain I am carrying so deep
My body cries out for some sleep
Will I ever be free again?
I experience so much pain…
The images are so real they cannot be undone
No matter how much I try to run
So many years have gone by
Yet still I sit and wonder why
It was my reality from years past
It isn’t just a dream that lasts
Constantly living with guilt and shame
I feel that I am to blame
I turn all the anger, hatred back to me
In my attempt to set myself free
As I try to rebuild my life from the start
I want to heal my very broken heart
How long will this take I do not know
I need to find the route to follow
Though I am not alone and that helps me to know
I will make it through this somehow….
poem...thoughts
It devours my every thought, each piece of my mind
Images of food, so vivid, so unkind
Please give me strength, please empower me
To stop this eating disorder, set me free…
Give me strength; please give the power to me
To get past this incessant eating disorder, this I plea
Relentless, as it can be
Driving, compelling, for it is now consuming me….
Please give me power, grant me strength
I want To resist this urge to binge and purge
I’m overpoweringly forced, going to any length
I’m afraid I’ll give in to this commanding urge
This urge weighs heavy on my stomach, my body, my mind
Enticing and forcing me, every time it can find
Please give me the power, please give me the strength
To resist this urge, I will go to great length
Please grant me the strength, this I will pray
To care for my body, and never again stray
Please give me the power, help me use my ability
To care for my body, the one that god granted me….
Images of food, so vivid, so unkind
Please give me strength, please empower me
To stop this eating disorder, set me free…
Give me strength; please give the power to me
To get past this incessant eating disorder, this I plea
Relentless, as it can be
Driving, compelling, for it is now consuming me….
Please give me power, grant me strength
I want To resist this urge to binge and purge
I’m overpoweringly forced, going to any length
I’m afraid I’ll give in to this commanding urge
This urge weighs heavy on my stomach, my body, my mind
Enticing and forcing me, every time it can find
Please give me the power, please give me the strength
To resist this urge, I will go to great length
Please grant me the strength, this I will pray
To care for my body, and never again stray
Please give me the power, help me use my ability
To care for my body, the one that god granted me….
poem...diets
So many diets
So many awful days
So many destructive behaviors
Make up my ways
So many pounds lost
So many gained
So many times starving
Yet fat still remained
So many body checks
Not being able to see
That somewhere deep inside
Isn’t there a beautiful me?
So many days I’ve cried
While looking at my outward shell
So many days have been lost
Being in food hell
So many years of punishment
Imposed upon me
So many days I try
So hard to just be free
So many failed behaviors
So many disordered views
So many ways of dieting
Must I forever lose?
So many awful days
So many destructive behaviors
Make up my ways
So many pounds lost
So many gained
So many times starving
Yet fat still remained
So many body checks
Not being able to see
That somewhere deep inside
Isn’t there a beautiful me?
So many days I’ve cried
While looking at my outward shell
So many days have been lost
Being in food hell
So many years of punishment
Imposed upon me
So many days I try
So hard to just be free
So many failed behaviors
So many disordered views
So many ways of dieting
Must I forever lose?
poem
Realize you are not alone
End bad eating habits
Care for your body
Only you have the power to do this
Very difficult but you can do this
Everyone will be happy and proud of you
Recognize irrational thoughts and do not act on them
You deserve happiness, peace and health
End bad eating habits
Care for your body
Only you have the power to do this
Very difficult but you can do this
Everyone will be happy and proud of you
Recognize irrational thoughts and do not act on them
You deserve happiness, peace and health
poetry....living a dream
Lost alone confused a mess
Going through all of this distress
Don’t know how much more I can take
I hate everything being so fake
I feel like I don’t belong
Been like this for far too long
The worlds going on around me
Still I don’t always see
Feel like I am living in a dream
Nothing is as it may seem
I cruise along with life going on around
Not really hearing much of a sound
Everything seems so unreal
I don’t even know how to feel
For in order to cope I dissociate
It goes on at an alarming rate
I am so numb, unsure
Can’t take it anymore
I just want to heal
Make everything again be real
So now, I know I must
In someone, learn to again trust
So I may no longer feel so much shame
No longer take all of the blame….
Going through all of this distress
Don’t know how much more I can take
I hate everything being so fake
I feel like I don’t belong
Been like this for far too long
The worlds going on around me
Still I don’t always see
Feel like I am living in a dream
Nothing is as it may seem
I cruise along with life going on around
Not really hearing much of a sound
Everything seems so unreal
I don’t even know how to feel
For in order to cope I dissociate
It goes on at an alarming rate
I am so numb, unsure
Can’t take it anymore
I just want to heal
Make everything again be real
So now, I know I must
In someone, learn to again trust
So I may no longer feel so much shame
No longer take all of the blame….
Friday, April 23, 2010
So basically I haven't blogged in a year...well....a lot's happened in that year....
I promise to blog at least one week/month from now on, basically more for myself than for anyone else, and to update on how i am doing with recovery and everything. And sometimes just to rant about things in life that may be happening....
I am a terrible writer so just bear with me okay.....
Anyways within this past year, i've hit my lowest point ever, and got sent to Remuda Ranch in Wickenburg, AZ. What an amazing place, they helped me immensely, and I feel that I have the skills i need to go on in life. Lately though I am just feeling down and depressed and dealing with a lot, and am having a rough time of it all. I'm going through a struggle and a lower point, but not a relapse, i will not let it get to a relapse, i vow to never be in treatment again.
Anyways, I just hope i can keep it up and keep myself strong and get through it all, spring holds really tough memories, and i just hope i can get through it without breaking down like i did last year.
Anyways i don't have much else to say right now i will post another blog later probably venting about stuff that's happened this week.
I promise to blog at least one week/month from now on, basically more for myself than for anyone else, and to update on how i am doing with recovery and everything. And sometimes just to rant about things in life that may be happening....
I am a terrible writer so just bear with me okay.....
Anyways within this past year, i've hit my lowest point ever, and got sent to Remuda Ranch in Wickenburg, AZ. What an amazing place, they helped me immensely, and I feel that I have the skills i need to go on in life. Lately though I am just feeling down and depressed and dealing with a lot, and am having a rough time of it all. I'm going through a struggle and a lower point, but not a relapse, i will not let it get to a relapse, i vow to never be in treatment again.
Anyways, I just hope i can keep it up and keep myself strong and get through it all, spring holds really tough memories, and i just hope i can get through it without breaking down like i did last year.
Anyways i don't have much else to say right now i will post another blog later probably venting about stuff that's happened this week.
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