Found this online but it really relates to me so much....
If You Really Knew Me, You'd Know That...
1.I desperately want to be accepted
2.I am afraid of not winning this battle
3.Just now I am figuring out who I am
4.I have a hard time with the concept of forgiving
5.I smile all the time because I don't know what else to do
6.I am starting to/struggling to become comfortable with the idea that I am ordinary and that there's nothing wrong with that
7.My eating disorder is not the problem; it's the symptom of my real problems
8.Sometimes I just want you to listen, not talk, not interrupt, not offer advice or suggestions. Sometimes all I want is you to sit there and listen and to feel like I have been heard
9.Sometimes the weight of my sadness is bone-crushing, like the pressure of water down deep, like its drowning me from the inside out....
10.I hurt myself because it's the only feeling (pain) that I can stand to feel
11.I am terrified of not being a good enough mother/daughter/sister/brother...
12.At the start of the next day, before I even brush my teeth, I worry about whether i will be able to stop myself from hurting either myself or anyone around me
13.I'm deathly afraid of growing up and dealing with all the things a grown-up must think about, even though I'm technically an adult
14.There are so many things I wish I could say
15.Words and actions hurt me even though they weren't meant to
16.I cry when you hug me because of the emptiness and pain I know I'll feel when you finally do let me go
17.I am so incredibly mean to myself. I wouldn't talk to any other person on earth the way I talk to myself
18.What I want right now more than anything is love from myself. If I had more self love, the criticisms, the negativity, the thoughts, the low self-esteem, the self-doubts would all cease
19.I sometimes need your help, but I'm not sure how to tell you this
20.I really do care about you, more than you could even imagine
21.I cry when no one is around
24.I hold back from full recovery because I hang on to anorexia as an excuse to not chase after my real goals. im afraid of success or life without ed, of letting go.... this is all i knew for so long.
25.I don't like the eating disorder, I just am having a hard time disliking it
26.I felt too ashamed, too dirty, too embarrassed and too scared to tell you that I couldn't cope without hurting myself
28.I want to make a difference in the world
29.I am unable to see my potential right now but it helps me to hear you when you tell me it's there. similar to my beauty....
30.I'm afraid to know myself and understand my feelings and wishes
31.As I'm smiling and laughing, I have voices screaming and degrading me in my head
33. I am at a crossroads. For years I have tried to be someone else. I have sweat, cried, screamed my way out of my skin, i still want to crawl out of my skin, but i am becoming ok with the idea of being me...
35.When I laughingly say I don't want to grow up, I'm not joking. I really am terrified
36.I believe that everyone's flaws should be accepted and forgiven except for mine
39.I would give anything to get out of my head and into my body when I am at a party/at work/with friends, to not live in my head all the time ......
40.I'm always in a state of obsession. My mind is always going a mile a minute and my ED is ALWAYS berating me for something. I never have a moment of pure peace or silence in my head
41.I'd love to escape to somewhere by the beach, eat, drink, dance, without a care in the world
42.I lied my way through treatment and I'm now paying the consequences
44.I miss having a relationship with my family like mad
45.I feel there's an empty hole in me
46.Some days I feel like the old me & it feels so liberating
47. More than anything I long for a mother who loves me and listens to me and to go home and feel safe
48.I feel guilty about all the pain I feel
49.I hate, absolutely hate, feeling vulnerable and I will do almost anything to avoid it
50.I feel nothing most of the time and I wait to see your reactions before I know how to respond/reply/react myself
51.I am really sensitive although I appear unfeeling
52.I'll lie to everybody to keep them from being hurt or from hurting them
53.I feel like a complete failure
54. I blame myself for all the shit that's happened to me in my life....
55.What I want most is to just hear that I am ok just the way I am even if my
56.What you said/did hurts
57.Sometimes I feel like I don't belong anywhere and I feel like an alien and that I don't belong in this time because my outlook feels so foreign. sometimes i feel lost in an empty void completely disconnected from life and people in it.
58.I don't like myself right now and I need support, but then when I get that support, I'm scared to let go of it again, scared that I'll lose it
59.I still sleep with a stuffed animal
60.No one could berate me more than I do myself
61.I hate being needy and yet I long to be taken care of, its like wanting help and then not wanting it. we want it thats us the rest is the ed.
63.Without this mask I don't really know who I am
64.I'm not trusting of anyone especially myself
65.I simultaneously crave both fitting in and standing out. I feel like a failure when I'm different, and I feel like a failure when I blend
66.The ED was the only constant in my life, the only thing which felt unchanging regardless of what external events happened. The ED was the only guarantee, the only certainty, the only thing loyal to me throughout everything that came my way
67.I wish that I didn't hate myself but at the same time, I don't know how it would feel to like myself
68.I am so afraid of being in an intimate relationship with a man, and I fear I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life
70.I wear my weight like an armor
71.The bigger my smile, the larger my pain, my eyes will never lie, i wont look you in the eye to hide my pain and tears.
72.I use my body to convey what my words cannot
73.I always feel like a burden but usually I hide that
74.I don't want you to give up on me
75.I have big dreams and wish that I believed enough to make them become a reality
76.I don't even know myself
78.For years, I longed for someone to know my secret, in the hope they'd stop the pain and stop me from hurting because I didn't care enough about myself to stop myself
79.When I do something stupid, and remember it later, the "me" in the memory always looks fat and ugly and it's one of the reasons I'm so stupid
80.I have no confidence in myself or my abilities
81.I struggle to believe in myself at times and fear being hurt by criticism but I am courageous and don't shrink back from those things I am gifted at
82.I will not show that I am mad at you. In fact, I probably won't even feel mad at you, unless someone else reassures me that it IS something to be mad about
83.I want to find something that will make my parents proud of me
84.I don't really give a rat's ass about how I look. I only talk about it so much as a way of verbalizing all the fears inside me that I don't know how to identify
85.I love you even when you don't think I do
86.I pray that I will still be able to have children someday
87.I'm so, so sorry for all the times I lied to you/hurt you,the fights/ the ruined family events
88.I am scared because I don't know what to do with my life and I cannot cope without direction/control/plans
89.I only pretend to be immature: I'm scared to show you just how serious and deep I can be
90.I need help believing in myself
92.I don't know who I am or what I'm all about
93.I don't feel that I deserve your unconditional love
94.Even when it doesn't look like it, I am trying, and I'm doing my best in the moment
95.I won't ever measure up to "you"
96.I harbor an immense amount of guilt over my actions and this prevents me from telling you, as I don't want you to shoulder my pain and my burden, or know my shameful secret for what it is
97.I am really afraid that I could really exceed beyond my wildest dreams. But I have never let myself try, because what if I succeed then fail miserably
98.I'm scared that this will kill me
99.I might seem really happy and postives behind that smile or humoir lies a deep darkness and i am simply trying to convince myself good things exist....i am a pro at masks and when i feel my worst like im dying inside i cant seem to turn off happy i have got so used to pretending, and wanting to see you happy
100.I just want to be okay again....
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
I choose to live recovery creed...
The I Chose To Live Recovery Creed
Today we choose to live. On this day, we stand beside the millions fighting a life and death battle with addiction. We choose to be a part of The Recovery Team that will empower, love, encourage, and support our fellow brothers and sisters. To become a member of this team is simple, yet very powerful and honorable. The only requirement is that you show love, support and encouragement to yourself and those in recovery. In turn, we will do the same for you as we are only as strong as those who build us up. We are a part of a TEAM that will never give up. We believe in living by faith, chasing our dreams, and following our hearts.
Today we stand up and choose not to live by unrealistic worldly standards. We are not some thoughtless label, nor will we be a simple statistic. We will not be defined by our past, and we are not an addiction. We are fully aware that we cannot change our past. As a team we will learn and grow from every experience; living each moment to the fullest. We believe that “True Beauty” lies within and that every person is unique and diverse. There will never be a more beautiful “you”, and for that, we are forever grateful.
Today we choose the road to recovery, though at times, it may be difficult and dark. We choose to be a light in the world. Today we choose to shine on the darkest of days and trust in each other when faced with affliction. We choose humility over pride. On this day, we choose to take a road that will be challenging, yet beautiful and enlightening. This road to recovery is the only path for us!! This journey will set us FREE!!
Today we choose to live in love, and not in fear. We will face our fears and adversity head on. We will greet each day with a smile and bring laughter into the world. With our Team at our side, we can make it through each day!!
Today we are Unstoppable, Unashamed, and we are Unbelievable gifts to humankind. We choose to stand for what is right and true. On this day, we choose to be courageous. Today we choose to be heroes. Today, we choose to change the world, and not let the world change us. Today, we choose to carry on the message of HOPE and FREEDOM!!
On this day, WE CHOOSE TO LIVE WITH FEARLESS CONFIDENCE!!!
Patrick Bergstrom January 31, 2010
Today we choose to live. On this day, we stand beside the millions fighting a life and death battle with addiction. We choose to be a part of The Recovery Team that will empower, love, encourage, and support our fellow brothers and sisters. To become a member of this team is simple, yet very powerful and honorable. The only requirement is that you show love, support and encouragement to yourself and those in recovery. In turn, we will do the same for you as we are only as strong as those who build us up. We are a part of a TEAM that will never give up. We believe in living by faith, chasing our dreams, and following our hearts.
Today we stand up and choose not to live by unrealistic worldly standards. We are not some thoughtless label, nor will we be a simple statistic. We will not be defined by our past, and we are not an addiction. We are fully aware that we cannot change our past. As a team we will learn and grow from every experience; living each moment to the fullest. We believe that “True Beauty” lies within and that every person is unique and diverse. There will never be a more beautiful “you”, and for that, we are forever grateful.
Today we choose the road to recovery, though at times, it may be difficult and dark. We choose to be a light in the world. Today we choose to shine on the darkest of days and trust in each other when faced with affliction. We choose humility over pride. On this day, we choose to take a road that will be challenging, yet beautiful and enlightening. This road to recovery is the only path for us!! This journey will set us FREE!!
Today we choose to live in love, and not in fear. We will face our fears and adversity head on. We will greet each day with a smile and bring laughter into the world. With our Team at our side, we can make it through each day!!
Today we are Unstoppable, Unashamed, and we are Unbelievable gifts to humankind. We choose to stand for what is right and true. On this day, we choose to be courageous. Today we choose to be heroes. Today, we choose to change the world, and not let the world change us. Today, we choose to carry on the message of HOPE and FREEDOM!!
On this day, WE CHOOSE TO LIVE WITH FEARLESS CONFIDENCE!!!
Patrick Bergstrom January 31, 2010
silent cries...
Eating disorders are diseases of silence. We are all silently screaming for something: attention, love, help, escape, or forgiveness. Although we might be looking to fill different voids, we never ask for the things we need. We feel unworthy, that for some reason we don't deserve them. So, we play the game of "guess what I need from you." Your inability to guess just feeds our feelings of worthlessness. When you finally realize there is a problem, it is much too late. We will now fight, lie, and cheat to hold on to the one things that has given us support. You see the symptoms, weight loss, weight gain, or depression. You watch us starve, eat, purge, and isolate. You tell us to eat or not eat, to sleep or to get up and do something, you can't understand why we can't just get better.
If it were only that easy!
Some of us have been living with this, like this, in this hell for half our lives or more. We honestly believe it is the thing holding us together. Even when all others see it as the thing that's making us crumble to pieces. It is not just a part of us, but it has become us.It is our identity, and who are we without it? Many of us are afraid to find out. Fearing, without it, we are nothing. It becomes our sole companion. It is the thing that makes us strong, so that we don't need, don't want, and don't feel. It is our cape of invisibility. With it on, you cannot see us, you cannot see our pain and shame, we begin to disappear. Slowly at first and then before you know it, we are gone. Lost in a world of pain. Always fighting for control that we never seem to get.
In the beginning, the control is easy and the high from it is incredible. "I can not eat for 4 days, I can exercise for 4 hours a day, or I can throw up or exercise off everything I eat. I am in control."
But somewhere along the road, we lose that control and the ED takes on a life of its own. We no longer control it. It controls us. We wake in the morning hearing its voice and can't sleep at night because that voice is too loud.We stop listening to anybody except our ED. We believe that we are fat, useless, unworthy, unlovable,and weak. We honestly believe that losing weight will, on some level, make things better. We wake up with thoughts of food, they consume us all day long and often cause sleepless nights. It becomes all that matters. We listen to the voices that constantly tell us we are not good enough,thin enough, strong enough, a little more and then we can stop. But there's always a little more, and it doesn't stop.
You may see us hurting ourselves and not understand, but we don't really understand either. We know we must lose weight. We know we must punish ourselves when we feel guilt and shame.We use laxatives, exercise, sleep deprivation, and self-mutilation to take away the pain. Many of us get to the point where the pain is too much and the road so long, we decide it is just not worth it. Since we have no worth, the world will not miss us. If we could just disappear, the pain would go away and we would no longer hurt others with our problems. Death becomes a way out.Can't live forever with an ED, can't live without it.
It becomes the question we will ponder for many many years before having a definitive answer."Do I want to live? Why?" Our reasons not to live may seem mundane to someone without an ED. You cannot feel our emptiness or understand our loneliness. We can't share this world of silence we have made for ourselves. It is the thing that may have saved us in the past and might kill us in the future. You look at the consequences and can't imagine why we would do this to ourselves. We are losing our hair, rotting out our teeth, bleeding when we throw up or even just brush our teeth, dizzy, tired, dehydrated, malnourished, and mentally unstable.
And at some point these things do scare us. The first time throwing up blood, passing out cold, or being admitted is an eye-openingexperience, but not usually enough to stop the behaviour.Some of us might even see these consequences as reinforcement that we are succeeding at something. "Look, I'm really good at being eating disordered!" we don't even know what it is we're trying to prove. Maybe it's that I'm stronger than you. Or that I can control something in my life when everything else is spiraling out of control. To give that up would be giving up a piece of us that we aren't sure we can live without. It is with us in the morning, telling us to get on the scale for the first test of the day. Even if the number is down, it's never good enough. Then taking a shower where we close our eyes because the sight of ourselves is so disturbing.Next is finding something to wear. This can take hours because nothing fits right and everything feels tight. After all of this, it's time for breakfast. No way we can eat after that disappointing morning. The day goes on in the same manner. Nothing is good enough, nothing quite right. So we push ourselves to eat less, run faster, dance longer, whatever we are doing, we must be the best. Then comes night, where the distractions of the day aren't there to drown out the voices. Sleep is difficult when thoughts of hopelessness, self-hate, failures, and suicide ruminate for hours. So instead of trying to sleep, many of us spend endless hours on our computers, exercising, reading, cleaning, anything to avoid sleeping. We eventually sleep for just a few short hours, and then the cycle begins again. Only now, we have to beat the day before, weigh less, eat less, do more. By our side, our faithful coach and partner filling our heads with criticism, demands, and insults. Although we say we hate the voices and the disorder, It's a love-hate relationship. We love the high of seeing the number go down. We long for that empty numb feeling that comes with starvation. We thrive on what begins as compliments and turns to worry about our weight loss.Nothing gets rid of the feelings the way throwing up or over-exercising does. The disorder is the only thing that makes us feel strong and special, while at the same time letting us disappear and run away from life. We will say we don't want your help. Sometimes because we are in denial and actually believe things are fine, but sometimes we feel guilty receiving help because we feel unworthy, and sometimes it has just gone on so long that we have given up hope and accepted that "I will live with this until it kills me." When we say we don't want your help, those are the times we need it the most. We need you to stand up for us when we can barely stand,love us when we hate ourselves, hold our hope when we feel hopeless,and never give up on us, the way we give up on ourselves. We will push you away. We will make you angry with us. We will throw temper tantrums and even throw food. We will close up and lock you out. We will blow off important appointments. We will do the things we've been told we have to stop: exercising, chewing gum, drinking Diet Coke... we will push every limit. We do not do these things to hurt you; we are just scared and feel threatened. You want us to give up something we can't imagine living without. It's our only way of controlling our uncontrollable surroundings. So be patient with us. Whether you're a parent, spouse, friend, therapist, or doctor; there will come a time when we realize what you have done for us. When we reach out and ask for help. When we will ease your burden and start to take care of ourselves. We will share more, smile more, and live more than you have seen us do in years. We may still have negative thoughts, be obsessed with food and body, and eat in a different manner than you, but we have taken a huge step in recovery and the rest will come in time. We may always have issues with food and body, but we now have outlets for our negativity and we know it is all right to ask for help. Just because our symptoms lessen does not mean we no longer need you. We will always need you.
http://unbreakablecourage.weebly.com/eds-are-a-silent-cry.html
If it were only that easy!
Some of us have been living with this, like this, in this hell for half our lives or more. We honestly believe it is the thing holding us together. Even when all others see it as the thing that's making us crumble to pieces. It is not just a part of us, but it has become us.It is our identity, and who are we without it? Many of us are afraid to find out. Fearing, without it, we are nothing. It becomes our sole companion. It is the thing that makes us strong, so that we don't need, don't want, and don't feel. It is our cape of invisibility. With it on, you cannot see us, you cannot see our pain and shame, we begin to disappear. Slowly at first and then before you know it, we are gone. Lost in a world of pain. Always fighting for control that we never seem to get.
In the beginning, the control is easy and the high from it is incredible. "I can not eat for 4 days, I can exercise for 4 hours a day, or I can throw up or exercise off everything I eat. I am in control."
But somewhere along the road, we lose that control and the ED takes on a life of its own. We no longer control it. It controls us. We wake in the morning hearing its voice and can't sleep at night because that voice is too loud.We stop listening to anybody except our ED. We believe that we are fat, useless, unworthy, unlovable,and weak. We honestly believe that losing weight will, on some level, make things better. We wake up with thoughts of food, they consume us all day long and often cause sleepless nights. It becomes all that matters. We listen to the voices that constantly tell us we are not good enough,thin enough, strong enough, a little more and then we can stop. But there's always a little more, and it doesn't stop.
You may see us hurting ourselves and not understand, but we don't really understand either. We know we must lose weight. We know we must punish ourselves when we feel guilt and shame.We use laxatives, exercise, sleep deprivation, and self-mutilation to take away the pain. Many of us get to the point where the pain is too much and the road so long, we decide it is just not worth it. Since we have no worth, the world will not miss us. If we could just disappear, the pain would go away and we would no longer hurt others with our problems. Death becomes a way out.Can't live forever with an ED, can't live without it.
It becomes the question we will ponder for many many years before having a definitive answer."Do I want to live? Why?" Our reasons not to live may seem mundane to someone without an ED. You cannot feel our emptiness or understand our loneliness. We can't share this world of silence we have made for ourselves. It is the thing that may have saved us in the past and might kill us in the future. You look at the consequences and can't imagine why we would do this to ourselves. We are losing our hair, rotting out our teeth, bleeding when we throw up or even just brush our teeth, dizzy, tired, dehydrated, malnourished, and mentally unstable.
And at some point these things do scare us. The first time throwing up blood, passing out cold, or being admitted is an eye-openingexperience, but not usually enough to stop the behaviour.Some of us might even see these consequences as reinforcement that we are succeeding at something. "Look, I'm really good at being eating disordered!" we don't even know what it is we're trying to prove. Maybe it's that I'm stronger than you. Or that I can control something in my life when everything else is spiraling out of control. To give that up would be giving up a piece of us that we aren't sure we can live without. It is with us in the morning, telling us to get on the scale for the first test of the day. Even if the number is down, it's never good enough. Then taking a shower where we close our eyes because the sight of ourselves is so disturbing.Next is finding something to wear. This can take hours because nothing fits right and everything feels tight. After all of this, it's time for breakfast. No way we can eat after that disappointing morning. The day goes on in the same manner. Nothing is good enough, nothing quite right. So we push ourselves to eat less, run faster, dance longer, whatever we are doing, we must be the best. Then comes night, where the distractions of the day aren't there to drown out the voices. Sleep is difficult when thoughts of hopelessness, self-hate, failures, and suicide ruminate for hours. So instead of trying to sleep, many of us spend endless hours on our computers, exercising, reading, cleaning, anything to avoid sleeping. We eventually sleep for just a few short hours, and then the cycle begins again. Only now, we have to beat the day before, weigh less, eat less, do more. By our side, our faithful coach and partner filling our heads with criticism, demands, and insults. Although we say we hate the voices and the disorder, It's a love-hate relationship. We love the high of seeing the number go down. We long for that empty numb feeling that comes with starvation. We thrive on what begins as compliments and turns to worry about our weight loss.Nothing gets rid of the feelings the way throwing up or over-exercising does. The disorder is the only thing that makes us feel strong and special, while at the same time letting us disappear and run away from life. We will say we don't want your help. Sometimes because we are in denial and actually believe things are fine, but sometimes we feel guilty receiving help because we feel unworthy, and sometimes it has just gone on so long that we have given up hope and accepted that "I will live with this until it kills me." When we say we don't want your help, those are the times we need it the most. We need you to stand up for us when we can barely stand,love us when we hate ourselves, hold our hope when we feel hopeless,and never give up on us, the way we give up on ourselves. We will push you away. We will make you angry with us. We will throw temper tantrums and even throw food. We will close up and lock you out. We will blow off important appointments. We will do the things we've been told we have to stop: exercising, chewing gum, drinking Diet Coke... we will push every limit. We do not do these things to hurt you; we are just scared and feel threatened. You want us to give up something we can't imagine living without. It's our only way of controlling our uncontrollable surroundings. So be patient with us. Whether you're a parent, spouse, friend, therapist, or doctor; there will come a time when we realize what you have done for us. When we reach out and ask for help. When we will ease your burden and start to take care of ourselves. We will share more, smile more, and live more than you have seen us do in years. We may still have negative thoughts, be obsessed with food and body, and eat in a different manner than you, but we have taken a huge step in recovery and the rest will come in time. We may always have issues with food and body, but we now have outlets for our negativity and we know it is all right to ask for help. Just because our symptoms lessen does not mean we no longer need you. We will always need you.
http://unbreakablecourage.weebly.com/eds-are-a-silent-cry.html
myths about eating disorders...
Just thought this might help to clear up some things...
Eating disorders are not an illness
Eating disorders are a complex medical/psychiatric illness.
Eating disorders are classified as a mental illness in the American
Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of
Mental Health Disorders (DSM-IV), are considered to often have
a biologic basis, and co-occur with other mental illness such as
major depression, anxiety, or obsessive-compulsive disorder
Anorexia nervosa is the only serious
eating disorder
All eating disorders can have damaging physical and psychological
consequences. Although excess weight loss is a feature
of anorexia nervosa, effects of other eating disorders can also
be serious or life threatening, such as the electrolyte imbalance
associated with purging.
Eating disorders are uncommon
They are common. Anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, and
binge-eating disorder are on the rise in the United States and
worldwide. Among U.S. females in their teens and 20s, the prevalence
of clinical and subclinical anorexia may be as high as 15%.
Anorexia nervosa ranks as the 3rd most common chronic illness
among adolescent U.S. females. Recent studies suggest that up to
7% of U.S. females have had bulimia at some time in their lives.
At any given time an estimated 5% of the U.S. population has
undiagnosed bulimia. Current findings suggest that binge-eating
disorder affects 0.7% to 4% of the general population.
A person cannot die from bulimia
While the rate of death from bulimia nervosa is much lower than
that seen with anorexia nervosa, a person with bulimia can be at
high risk for death and sudden death because of purging and its
impact on the heart and electrolyte imbalances. Laxative use and
excessive exercise can increase risk of death in individuals who are
actively bulimic.
Eating disorders are a choice
People do not choose to have eating disorders. They develop over
time and require appropriate treatment to address the complex
medical/psychiatric symptoms and underlying issues.
Subclinical eating disorders are not serious
Although a person may not fulfill the diagnostic criteria for an
eating disorder, the consequences associated with disordered
eating (e.g., frequent vomiting, excessive exercise, anxiety) can
have long-term consequences and requires intervention. Early
intervention may also prevent progression to a full-blown clinical
eating disorder.
Eating disorders occur only in females
Eating disorders occur in males. Few solid statistics are available
on the prevalence of eating disorders in males, but the disorders
are believed to be more common than currently reflected in
statistics because of under-diagnosis. An estimated one-fourth
of anorexia diagnoses in children are in males. The National
Collegiate Athletic Association carried out studies on the incidence
of eating-disordered behavior among athletes in the 1990s,
and reported that of those athletes who reported having an eating
disorder, 7% were male. For binge-eating disorder, preliminary
research suggests equal prevalence among males and females.
Incidence in males may be underreported because females are
more likely to seek help, and health practitioners are more likely
to consider an eating disorder diagnosis in females. Differences
in symptoms exist between males and females: females are more
likely to focus on weight loss; males are more likely to focus on
muscle mass. Although issues such as altering diet to increase
muscle mass, over-exercise, or steroid misuse are not yet criteria
for eating disorders, a growing body of research indicates that
these factors are associated with many, but not all, males with
eating disorders.
Dieting is normal adolescent behavior
While fad dieting or body image concerns have become “normal”
features of adolescent life in Western cultures, dieting or frequent
and/or extreme dieting can be a risk factor for developing an
eating disorder. It is especially a risk factor for young people with
family histories of eating disorders and depression, anxiety, or
obsessive-compulsive disorder. A focus on health, wellbeing, and
healthy body image and acceptance is preferable. Any dieting
should be monitored.
Anorexia is “dieting gone bad”
Anorexia has nothing to do with dieting. It is a life-threatening
medical/psychiatric disorder.
Men who suffer from eating disorders
tend to be gay
Sexual preference has no correlation with developing an
eating disorder.
A person with anorexia never eats at all
Most anorexics do eat; however, they tend to eat smaller
portions, low-calorie foods, or strange food combinations.
Some may eat candy bars in the morning and nothing else
all day. Others may eat lettuce and mustard every 2 hours or
only condiments. The disordered eating behaviors are very
individualized. Total cessation of all food intake is rare and
would result in death from malnutrition in a matter of weeks.
You can tell if a person has an eating disorder
simply by appearance
You can’t. Anorexia may be easier to detect visually, although
individuals may wear loose clothing to conceal their body.
Bulimia is harder to “see” because individuals often have normal
weight or may even be overweight. Some people may have
obvious signs, such as sudden weight loss or gain; others may
not. People with an eating disorder can become very effective at
hiding the signs and symptoms. Thus, eating disorders can be
undetected for months, years, or a lifetime.
Eating disorders are about appearance
and beauty
Eating disorders are a mental illness and have little to do with
food, eating, appearance, or beauty. This is indicated by the
continuation of the illness long after a person has reached his or
her initial ‘target’ weight. Eating disorders are usually related to
emotional issues such as control and low self-esteem and often
exist as part of a “dual” diagnosis of major depression, anxiety, or
obsessive-compulsive disorder
.
Eating disorders are caused by unhealthy
and unrealistic images in the media
While sociocultural factors (such as the ‘thin ideal’) can
contribute or trigger development of eating disorders, research
has shown that the causes are multifactorial and include biologic,
social, and environmental contributors. Not everyone who is
exposed to media images of thin “ideal” body images develops
an eating disorder. Eating disorders such as anorexia nervosa
have been documented in the medical literature since the 1800s,
when social concepts of an ideal body shape for women and
men differed significantly from today—long before mass media
promoted thin body images for women or lean muscular body
images for men.
Only people of high socioeconomic status
get eating disorders
People in all socioeconomic levels have eating disorders. The
disorders have been identified across all socioeconomic groups,
age groups, both sexes, and in many countries in Europe, Asia,
Africa, and North and South America.
Recovery from eating disorders is rare
Recovery can take months or years, but many people eventually
recover after treatment. Recovery rates vary widely among
individuals and the different eating disorders. Early intervention
with appropriate care can improve the outcome regardless
of the eating disorder. Although anorexia nervosa is associated
with the highest death rate of all psychiatric disorders, research
suggests that about half of people with anorexia nervosa recover,
about 20% continue to experience issues with food, and about
20% die in the longer term due to medical or psychological
complications.
Eating disorders are an attempt
to seek attention
The causes of eating disorders are complex and typically include
socio economic, environmental, cultural, and biologic factors.
People who experience eating disorders often go to great lengths
to conceal it due to feelings of shame or a desire to persist in
behavior perceived to afford the sufferer control in life. Eating
disorders are often symptomatic of deeper psychological issues
such as low self esteem and the desire to feel in control. The
behaviors associated with eating disorders may sometimes be
interpreted as ‘attention seeking”; however, they indicate that the
affected person has very serious struggles and needs help.
Purging is only throwing up
The definition of purging is to evacuate the contents of the
stomach or bowels by any of several means. In bulimia, purging
is used to compensate for excessive food intake. Methods of
purging include vomiting, enemas and laxative abuse, insulin
abuse, fasting, and excessive exercise. Any of these behaviors can
be dangerous and lead to a serious medical emergency or death.
Purging by throwing up also can affect the teeth and esophagus
because of the acidity of purged contents.
Purging will help lose weight
Purging does not result in ridding the body of ingested food.
Half of what is consumed during a binge typically remains in
the body after self-induced vomiting. Laxatives result in weight
loss through fluids/water and the effect is temporary. For these
reasons, many people with bulimia are average or above-average
weight.
You’re not sick until you’re emaciated
Only a small percentage of people with eating disorders reach the
state of emaciation often portrayed in the media. The common
belief that a person is only truly ill if he or she becomes abnormally
thin compounds the affected individuals’ perceptions of
body image and not being “good” at being “sick enough.” This
can interfere with seeking treatment and can trigger intensification
of self-destructive eating disorder behaviors.
Kids under age 15 are too young to
have an eating disorder
Eating disorders have been diagnosed in children as young as
seven or eight years of age. Often the precursor behaviors are not
recognized until middle to late teens. The average age at onset
for anorexia nervosa is 17 years; the disorder rarely begins before
puberty. Bulimia nervosa is usually diagnosed in mid-to-late
teens or early 20s, although some people do not seek treatment
until even later in life (30s or 40s).
You can’t suffer from more than one
eating disorder
Individuals often suffer from more than one eating disorder at a
time. Bulimarexia is a term that was coined to describe individuals
who go back and forth between bulimia and anorexia.
Bulimia and anorexia can occur independently of each other,
although about half of all anorexics become bulimic.
Achieving normal weight means the
anorexia is cured
Weight recovery is essential to enabling a person with anorexia to
participate meaningfully in further treatment, such as psychological
therapy. Recovering to normal weight does not in and
of itself signify a cure, because eating disorders are complex
medical/psychiatric illnesses.
Credit: NEDA
Eating disorders are not an illness
Eating disorders are a complex medical/psychiatric illness.
Eating disorders are classified as a mental illness in the American
Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of
Mental Health Disorders (DSM-IV), are considered to often have
a biologic basis, and co-occur with other mental illness such as
major depression, anxiety, or obsessive-compulsive disorder
Anorexia nervosa is the only serious
eating disorder
All eating disorders can have damaging physical and psychological
consequences. Although excess weight loss is a feature
of anorexia nervosa, effects of other eating disorders can also
be serious or life threatening, such as the electrolyte imbalance
associated with purging.
Eating disorders are uncommon
They are common. Anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, and
binge-eating disorder are on the rise in the United States and
worldwide. Among U.S. females in their teens and 20s, the prevalence
of clinical and subclinical anorexia may be as high as 15%.
Anorexia nervosa ranks as the 3rd most common chronic illness
among adolescent U.S. females. Recent studies suggest that up to
7% of U.S. females have had bulimia at some time in their lives.
At any given time an estimated 5% of the U.S. population has
undiagnosed bulimia. Current findings suggest that binge-eating
disorder affects 0.7% to 4% of the general population.
A person cannot die from bulimia
While the rate of death from bulimia nervosa is much lower than
that seen with anorexia nervosa, a person with bulimia can be at
high risk for death and sudden death because of purging and its
impact on the heart and electrolyte imbalances. Laxative use and
excessive exercise can increase risk of death in individuals who are
actively bulimic.
Eating disorders are a choice
People do not choose to have eating disorders. They develop over
time and require appropriate treatment to address the complex
medical/psychiatric symptoms and underlying issues.
Subclinical eating disorders are not serious
Although a person may not fulfill the diagnostic criteria for an
eating disorder, the consequences associated with disordered
eating (e.g., frequent vomiting, excessive exercise, anxiety) can
have long-term consequences and requires intervention. Early
intervention may also prevent progression to a full-blown clinical
eating disorder.
Eating disorders occur only in females
Eating disorders occur in males. Few solid statistics are available
on the prevalence of eating disorders in males, but the disorders
are believed to be more common than currently reflected in
statistics because of under-diagnosis. An estimated one-fourth
of anorexia diagnoses in children are in males. The National
Collegiate Athletic Association carried out studies on the incidence
of eating-disordered behavior among athletes in the 1990s,
and reported that of those athletes who reported having an eating
disorder, 7% were male. For binge-eating disorder, preliminary
research suggests equal prevalence among males and females.
Incidence in males may be underreported because females are
more likely to seek help, and health practitioners are more likely
to consider an eating disorder diagnosis in females. Differences
in symptoms exist between males and females: females are more
likely to focus on weight loss; males are more likely to focus on
muscle mass. Although issues such as altering diet to increase
muscle mass, over-exercise, or steroid misuse are not yet criteria
for eating disorders, a growing body of research indicates that
these factors are associated with many, but not all, males with
eating disorders.
Dieting is normal adolescent behavior
While fad dieting or body image concerns have become “normal”
features of adolescent life in Western cultures, dieting or frequent
and/or extreme dieting can be a risk factor for developing an
eating disorder. It is especially a risk factor for young people with
family histories of eating disorders and depression, anxiety, or
obsessive-compulsive disorder. A focus on health, wellbeing, and
healthy body image and acceptance is preferable. Any dieting
should be monitored.
Anorexia is “dieting gone bad”
Anorexia has nothing to do with dieting. It is a life-threatening
medical/psychiatric disorder.
Men who suffer from eating disorders
tend to be gay
Sexual preference has no correlation with developing an
eating disorder.
A person with anorexia never eats at all
Most anorexics do eat; however, they tend to eat smaller
portions, low-calorie foods, or strange food combinations.
Some may eat candy bars in the morning and nothing else
all day. Others may eat lettuce and mustard every 2 hours or
only condiments. The disordered eating behaviors are very
individualized. Total cessation of all food intake is rare and
would result in death from malnutrition in a matter of weeks.
You can tell if a person has an eating disorder
simply by appearance
You can’t. Anorexia may be easier to detect visually, although
individuals may wear loose clothing to conceal their body.
Bulimia is harder to “see” because individuals often have normal
weight or may even be overweight. Some people may have
obvious signs, such as sudden weight loss or gain; others may
not. People with an eating disorder can become very effective at
hiding the signs and symptoms. Thus, eating disorders can be
undetected for months, years, or a lifetime.
Eating disorders are about appearance
and beauty
Eating disorders are a mental illness and have little to do with
food, eating, appearance, or beauty. This is indicated by the
continuation of the illness long after a person has reached his or
her initial ‘target’ weight. Eating disorders are usually related to
emotional issues such as control and low self-esteem and often
exist as part of a “dual” diagnosis of major depression, anxiety, or
obsessive-compulsive disorder
.
Eating disorders are caused by unhealthy
and unrealistic images in the media
While sociocultural factors (such as the ‘thin ideal’) can
contribute or trigger development of eating disorders, research
has shown that the causes are multifactorial and include biologic,
social, and environmental contributors. Not everyone who is
exposed to media images of thin “ideal” body images develops
an eating disorder. Eating disorders such as anorexia nervosa
have been documented in the medical literature since the 1800s,
when social concepts of an ideal body shape for women and
men differed significantly from today—long before mass media
promoted thin body images for women or lean muscular body
images for men.
Only people of high socioeconomic status
get eating disorders
People in all socioeconomic levels have eating disorders. The
disorders have been identified across all socioeconomic groups,
age groups, both sexes, and in many countries in Europe, Asia,
Africa, and North and South America.
Recovery from eating disorders is rare
Recovery can take months or years, but many people eventually
recover after treatment. Recovery rates vary widely among
individuals and the different eating disorders. Early intervention
with appropriate care can improve the outcome regardless
of the eating disorder. Although anorexia nervosa is associated
with the highest death rate of all psychiatric disorders, research
suggests that about half of people with anorexia nervosa recover,
about 20% continue to experience issues with food, and about
20% die in the longer term due to medical or psychological
complications.
Eating disorders are an attempt
to seek attention
The causes of eating disorders are complex and typically include
socio economic, environmental, cultural, and biologic factors.
People who experience eating disorders often go to great lengths
to conceal it due to feelings of shame or a desire to persist in
behavior perceived to afford the sufferer control in life. Eating
disorders are often symptomatic of deeper psychological issues
such as low self esteem and the desire to feel in control. The
behaviors associated with eating disorders may sometimes be
interpreted as ‘attention seeking”; however, they indicate that the
affected person has very serious struggles and needs help.
Purging is only throwing up
The definition of purging is to evacuate the contents of the
stomach or bowels by any of several means. In bulimia, purging
is used to compensate for excessive food intake. Methods of
purging include vomiting, enemas and laxative abuse, insulin
abuse, fasting, and excessive exercise. Any of these behaviors can
be dangerous and lead to a serious medical emergency or death.
Purging by throwing up also can affect the teeth and esophagus
because of the acidity of purged contents.
Purging will help lose weight
Purging does not result in ridding the body of ingested food.
Half of what is consumed during a binge typically remains in
the body after self-induced vomiting. Laxatives result in weight
loss through fluids/water and the effect is temporary. For these
reasons, many people with bulimia are average or above-average
weight.
You’re not sick until you’re emaciated
Only a small percentage of people with eating disorders reach the
state of emaciation often portrayed in the media. The common
belief that a person is only truly ill if he or she becomes abnormally
thin compounds the affected individuals’ perceptions of
body image and not being “good” at being “sick enough.” This
can interfere with seeking treatment and can trigger intensification
of self-destructive eating disorder behaviors.
Kids under age 15 are too young to
have an eating disorder
Eating disorders have been diagnosed in children as young as
seven or eight years of age. Often the precursor behaviors are not
recognized until middle to late teens. The average age at onset
for anorexia nervosa is 17 years; the disorder rarely begins before
puberty. Bulimia nervosa is usually diagnosed in mid-to-late
teens or early 20s, although some people do not seek treatment
until even later in life (30s or 40s).
You can’t suffer from more than one
eating disorder
Individuals often suffer from more than one eating disorder at a
time. Bulimarexia is a term that was coined to describe individuals
who go back and forth between bulimia and anorexia.
Bulimia and anorexia can occur independently of each other,
although about half of all anorexics become bulimic.
Achieving normal weight means the
anorexia is cured
Weight recovery is essential to enabling a person with anorexia to
participate meaningfully in further treatment, such as psychological
therapy. Recovering to normal weight does not in and
of itself signify a cure, because eating disorders are complex
medical/psychiatric illnesses.
Credit: NEDA
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Instead of ED
INstead of ED or anything else destructive I will......
this list is mostly for me but i thought i'd post it for the reminder also to anyone that may need this.....
1. Write
2. Read a book
3. Journal
4. Play music
5. Download new songs
6. take a nap
7. study
8. watch a good movie
9. call a friend
10. play with my dog or cat
11. paint or draw
12. Write a letter to someone
13. knit or crochet
14. go outside
15. take a walk
16. go running
17. go out and get a coffee
18. paint my nails
19. go out to the mall/movies/store
20. blog
21. take a shower
22. do my laundry
23. clean my room
24. make a collage
25. write my positive affirmations
26. make a list of everything that is important/my reasons for wanting to recover
27. make a list of all that ED has done/taken away from me....
this list is mostly for me but i thought i'd post it for the reminder also to anyone that may need this.....
1. Write
2. Read a book
3. Journal
4. Play music
5. Download new songs
6. take a nap
7. study
8. watch a good movie
9. call a friend
10. play with my dog or cat
11. paint or draw
12. Write a letter to someone
13. knit or crochet
14. go outside
15. take a walk
16. go running
17. go out and get a coffee
18. paint my nails
19. go out to the mall/movies/store
20. blog
21. take a shower
22. do my laundry
23. clean my room
24. make a collage
25. write my positive affirmations
26. make a list of everything that is important/my reasons for wanting to recover
27. make a list of all that ED has done/taken away from me....
Sunday, September 18, 2011
reality
This must be a dream
But it seems so real
Why don’t I know?
Why can I not feel?
The thoughts that plague me…
How can I eat less?
How can I lose weight?
How can I stop it?
Before it’s too late?
it somehow makes me feel powerful
Makes me feel amazing
Each time I see the numbers shrink down
Yet still I find myself gazing
Into that dreaded mirror
This that tells me so many lies
Tells me I’m fat, disgusting
Why can’t I be normal?
Can’t you hear my cries?
But it’s something I can control
Something that can’t hurt me
Something that is just mine
An identity?
But It keeps me feeling real
I’m scared of being hurt
I’m scared of the emotional pain
And the weight that I could gain…
I’ve been so hurt, so many times
I never want it to happen again
I’ve built this wall up
So no one can get in
But now I’m starting to see the lies
The reality of it all
I want to take off my disguise
So tired of it all
Tired of being tired, tired of being sick
I want to tear down this wall
Brick by brick
I want to be real
I want to dream again
I want to learn how to feel
And no longer be in pain
I know I can do this
Just have to keep trying
Never give up, and you won’t miss…
my recovery, I am no longer denying….
So now I can dream
Now I can fly
lIfe is too precious and amazing to just let it pass me by
So I will go ahead
And take that leap
Someday I will succeed
And no longer question why
Everything happens for a reason
So I won’t give up ever
Keep living keep dreaming
Keep on believing
It will all be worth it in the end
Always and forever!!!!!
But it seems so real
Why don’t I know?
Why can I not feel?
The thoughts that plague me…
How can I eat less?
How can I lose weight?
How can I stop it?
Before it’s too late?
it somehow makes me feel powerful
Makes me feel amazing
Each time I see the numbers shrink down
Yet still I find myself gazing
Into that dreaded mirror
This that tells me so many lies
Tells me I’m fat, disgusting
Why can’t I be normal?
Can’t you hear my cries?
But it’s something I can control
Something that can’t hurt me
Something that is just mine
An identity?
But It keeps me feeling real
I’m scared of being hurt
I’m scared of the emotional pain
And the weight that I could gain…
I’ve been so hurt, so many times
I never want it to happen again
I’ve built this wall up
So no one can get in
But now I’m starting to see the lies
The reality of it all
I want to take off my disguise
So tired of it all
Tired of being tired, tired of being sick
I want to tear down this wall
Brick by brick
I want to be real
I want to dream again
I want to learn how to feel
And no longer be in pain
I know I can do this
Just have to keep trying
Never give up, and you won’t miss…
my recovery, I am no longer denying….
So now I can dream
Now I can fly
lIfe is too precious and amazing to just let it pass me by
So I will go ahead
And take that leap
Someday I will succeed
And no longer question why
Everything happens for a reason
So I won’t give up ever
Keep living keep dreaming
Keep on believing
It will all be worth it in the end
Always and forever!!!!!
reasons to recover????
Reasons to recover from my eating disorder:
1. To have a real sense of well-being
2. discover my energy, and my passion for life
3. Have a sense of inner peace instead of constant battles in my head
4. Energy to do the things that I love including painting, and drawing
5. be healthy, instead of having my hair falling out and always being exhausted
6. Look healthier, no longer have everyone comment on how unhealthy and sick I look
7. Spend more time with friends and make more friends rather than isolate myself
8. Relax and enjoy being with my friends/family instead of thinking constantly about food/weight
9. Discover my inner strength, and find out all that I can do without ED
10. Find my hopes and dreams again, for I can do so much without ED, when I am healthy
11. Rediscover my spirit and who I really am
12. Become closer to God and strengthen my spirituality
13. Work towards real achievements in life, not only always wanting to lose weight
14. Discover my self-worth, and that it is not defined by a number on a scale
15. I can appreciate the beauty of the world around me
16. I can stop pretending all the time, and really be ME
17. Be able to wear a bathing suit out in public and have a good time, rather than obsessing
18. Live LIFE and not have it revolve around food/weight/exercise
19. I can concentrate on schoolwork and other important things in life
20. I can stop constantly comparing myself to others, and just be satisfied being me
21. Have the ability to ENJOY food and enjoy eating it
22. Because being skinny won’t solve your problems, but being strong enough to conquer them will
23. the costs involved in staying ill are seriously high and money should be spent on better more fun things
24. you can actually find clothes that FIT and are comfortable and that you actually FEEL good in
25. being able to get what you want when you go out to dinner and enjoy it
26. to LIVE not to just simply exist
27. because real beauty is on the inside, not in outward appearances
28. because I want to be able to have real FUN
29. so that I can learn how to SMILE again J
30. so I stop worrying the people around me
31. because being healthy is so much better, not being always sick with a cold or some virus
32. to be able to have real conversations that don’t involve food or weight
33. so things won’t trigger so much anymore
34. because I want to have healthy, strong teeth for my smile
35. because I’m tired of being freezing all the time
36. because I am worth so much more than a number on a scale or the size of my clothes
37. so I don’t get osteoporosis at a young age
38. Because regular food tastes sooo much better than diet foods
39. Because I want to wake up in the morning with ENERGY and ready to face the day, not tired and dreading it
40. So that the first thing to do in the morning wouldnt be running to the scales to meassure your worth, but to actually look in the mirror and love yourself for who you are
41. Stop worrying about what others think of me, and just what I think of myself
42. Because it's nice waking up and thinking about what you're going to do that day rather than think about what you're going to eat that day.
43. So people will trust me again
44. Because I want to feel GOOD not dizzy and like shit all the time
45. So that I can sleep and feel rested
46. So that I can help others in the future
47. so that I can wear clothes that FIT not baggy clothes to hide in
48. So i don't waste anymore money and food
49. So i can have children of my own someday
50. Because life is for living not for suffering and struggling through...
51. so that i can stop having to come up with excuses and just be truthful
52. so that i can exercise for fun not to lose weight
53. So i can feel worthful not worthless
54. so i can be HEALTHY :)
55. to think that my life has worth again
56. To never miss good times because I'm too insecure to go out.
57. So that I can enjoy myself in public without feeling as though everyone's looking at me.
58. I dont want to feel worthless, useless, a failure
59. I dont want my mood that day to be determined by what the scale says..or even have to look at the scale.
60. to think i look good regardless of what i ate that day.
61. To feel normal!
62. To be able to enjoy myself at holidays/parties/family events and stuff without wondering what they're thinking or worrying about the food or what i eat
63. I Can share my experience to inspire others.
64. I can have a real relationship
66. I can trust again
67. i am able to stop my behaviors for healthy ones
68 I can go out to dinner with people without being afraid.
69. I am much stronger, and healthy,
70. working on a lot off things with my counselor
72. I can open up, and stop pretending to smile all the time.
73. I can sing and play the piano now.
74. I am happier overall.
75. I am more vibrant
76. I am willing to keep trying when i mess up.
77. I WANT to stay OUT of fucking treatment
78. to be an inspiration to others that are struggling
79. to think about MORE than food or my weight
80. to have good relationships with people
81. to stay in school and graduate
82. have real relationships that aren't based on ED
83.to think clearly and not have ED fogging up my thoughts in my head
84. to have REAL energy
85. I don't want to be anemic anymore or have other medical issues
86. to feel good about taking care of myself
87. to exercise for fun and because it's good for me not because ED tells me to do so
88. to know who I am and be happy with WHO I am
89. to trust myself, and be able to trust others too
90. to accept myself and at a healthy weight
91. to really care about myself
92. to acheive true happiness and well being
93. to truly feel connected with other people
94. to be okay with asking for help sometimes
95. to be independent and make all of my own decisions, not have them made for me by anyone else (treatment teams, family etc.)
96. to be able to make GOOD decisions not ones that are filled with ED's influence
97. to fill my life with meaningful things that make me happy
98. to be a positive role model to others, especially others who are struggling
99. to be a success, at recovery and at other things too
100. to prove everyone who said I can't do this WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
101. Because nobody is perfect so why try to be????
102. I want my life to be about the aweosme things i can do/places i can go....and be proud of the places i can go, not having life be about treatment/treatment centers/what treatment center i'm going to/been to whether i'm going back to treatment....
103. So i'm not always in a bad mood from being so hungry
104. So that if i have a craving for something I can enjoy it rather than wishing i could or rather than looking at pics of it or rather than being scared of it...
105. So that I can occasionally indulge myself in treats/something i want
106. So i can feel less guilty
107. So that if i'm in a hurry or want it or something I can actually eat at a fast food place or restaurant and not feel so guilty or scared or avoid it alltogether
108. Because honesty is soooooo much better than the manipulation and lies...
109. to be able to forgive myself and others...
110. Because I am NOT a failure no matter how much i may think i am sometimes....
111. to earn respect....to respect myself and to earn respect from others
112.So i can live longer....
113. to be able to sleep at night
114. so i have hair and it doesn't keep falling out and causing bald spots
115. no longer be consumed by irrational thoughts
116. because i should like food...especially ice cream...and pb and banana and honey quesadillas.....hehehe
117. To give others HOPE just by having lived through it and recovered and by sharing my story...
118. so i don't feel so isolated and alone
119. being able to accept that people DO care and love me
120. because mirrors are stupid and you shouldn't spend so much time in front of them....How about more time doing something i LOVE like painting
121. So i can paint and not have such shaky hands
122. to make new friends.....and friends outside of treatment *though the friends i've met through treatment and recovery are AMAZING and some of the most amazing people ever*
123. becuase people really aren't judging you as much as you think they are...you're your harshest critic...
124. because i CAN
125. to prove anyone who says it's impossible wrong...
126. because "you look like SHIT" or "you look awful" or just utter silence and stares at people seeing you should NOT be considered a compliment or achievement....
127. Because lying to everyone and saying "i'm fine really" all the time when you clearly are NOT fine is not a way to live
128. to reunite with people (and not have them freak out at your appearance)
129. because ym goals should revolve around the future and things i can accomplish...NOT of what BMI/weight you want to get to next....
130. because I NEVER want to have to walk around again with an embarrassing stupid feeding tube up my nose and get stares/comments/whispers from people...
131. to stop feeling only pain and move on
132. to stop having so much physical pain every day from malnutrition
133. to stop waking up at night scared because you feel like crap again and your heart is racing and wondering when to go to the ER or if you will wake up in the morning
134. because electrolyte imbalances are NOT fun and are dangerous and make you feel like crap
135. to go shopping and be able to find stuff that fits and is cute....and NOT to have to shop in the kids section at 21 years old...because that is just NOT natural or right
136. because i have come to far to give up
137. Because I deserve better....FOR ME
138. because being truly happy is awesome....and faking it is not nearly as awesome....
139. because a real smile is genuine and beautiful...fake smiles are NOT the same
140. because i am unique :) there is no one else like me
141. so i can truly help others someday
142. becuase counting calories gets old and is a waste of math skills....there's so much more you can be doing with your mind....and plus if you're not eating enough you can't think clearly anyways.
143. not to have to lie when people ask you how you are, and that you can honestly say you are doing well :)
144. because being covered in bruises from malnutrition is not attractive and hiding them is hard, and people can stop asking questions about it
145. to live and act in the present...not keep saying "I'll do it tomorrrow" or "i'll do better tomorrow" or "i'll start recovery tomorrow"
146. because it is a real medical condition and it does deserve treatment and recovery
147. to be able to really accept compliments without thinking people are lying or pitying you
148. being able to say "i overcame it"
149. so the good days outnumber the bad
150. to fight for those who did not make it :(
151. To make those who love me proud....Instead of having them constantly worry and fear
152. to be and feel real
153. to let others in and stop pushing everyone away
154. to be able to enjoy a day at the beach
155. because people definitely DO get sick of hearing about eating disorders/food/calories/weight all the time and so that you can carry on a real conversation with a REAL topic not having to do with ED
156. because having people hate you for it or misunderstand it is so annoying
157. because most people will never understand and it's hard to explain it to them
158. to see your TRUE and BEAUTIFUL self
159. so i can look good and healthy instead of like shit
160. because a number should not definine you or make up your whole day
161. because being pale and gaunt looking and having dark circles under your eyes is NOT attractive at all and people tend to stare
162. to be able to spend a day shopping or out with friends and not be so exhausted you can't move afterwards or you pass out afterwards
163. because fainting is not fun and can be scary :(
164. because being freezing all the time sucks and you DO get stares when you wear sweatshirts and baggy pangs all summer
165. to not judge a day on what you weigh or what you ate
166. to not have to constantly explain yourself...
167. to not think of food 24/7 honestly...it's NOT normal to do so
168. because grocery shopping should not cause panic
169. because honestly destroying yourself doesn't make you any different or more like what you want to be
170. to be able to love againr
171. because people worrying gets old
172. because regular is so much better than diet
173. because i want to focus on other things
174. Because i want my own kids and a family someday
175. because throwing up is never fun....
176. to have less secrets
177. I want to eat a fucking chocolate bar and enjoy it!!
178. because drinking ensure/boost/CIB SUCKS real food is so much betterrrrrr
179. to not have to know the calorie content of everything and not freak out if i don't know it exactly
180. to be able to wear nice clothes and clothes I WANT to wear
181. To be able to wear fun dresses
182. to be with my family and not worry about what they think/say about me
183. to know what it's like to be HEALTHY and feel GOOD not like shit all the time
184. I do'nt want to have osteoporosis in my 20's
185. to have people stop thinking i'm crazy lol....
186. To be able to sleep without the serious insomnia
187. SO my story can have a good and happy ending, not a sad one
188. to have REAL control not imagined control
189. because being able to celebrate your birthday with cake is so much better and more fun
190. Because I am worth it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. To have a real sense of well-being
2. discover my energy, and my passion for life
3. Have a sense of inner peace instead of constant battles in my head
4. Energy to do the things that I love including painting, and drawing
5. be healthy, instead of having my hair falling out and always being exhausted
6. Look healthier, no longer have everyone comment on how unhealthy and sick I look
7. Spend more time with friends and make more friends rather than isolate myself
8. Relax and enjoy being with my friends/family instead of thinking constantly about food/weight
9. Discover my inner strength, and find out all that I can do without ED
10. Find my hopes and dreams again, for I can do so much without ED, when I am healthy
11. Rediscover my spirit and who I really am
12. Become closer to God and strengthen my spirituality
13. Work towards real achievements in life, not only always wanting to lose weight
14. Discover my self-worth, and that it is not defined by a number on a scale
15. I can appreciate the beauty of the world around me
16. I can stop pretending all the time, and really be ME
17. Be able to wear a bathing suit out in public and have a good time, rather than obsessing
18. Live LIFE and not have it revolve around food/weight/exercise
19. I can concentrate on schoolwork and other important things in life
20. I can stop constantly comparing myself to others, and just be satisfied being me
21. Have the ability to ENJOY food and enjoy eating it
22. Because being skinny won’t solve your problems, but being strong enough to conquer them will
23. the costs involved in staying ill are seriously high and money should be spent on better more fun things
24. you can actually find clothes that FIT and are comfortable and that you actually FEEL good in
25. being able to get what you want when you go out to dinner and enjoy it
26. to LIVE not to just simply exist
27. because real beauty is on the inside, not in outward appearances
28. because I want to be able to have real FUN
29. so that I can learn how to SMILE again J
30. so I stop worrying the people around me
31. because being healthy is so much better, not being always sick with a cold or some virus
32. to be able to have real conversations that don’t involve food or weight
33. so things won’t trigger so much anymore
34. because I want to have healthy, strong teeth for my smile
35. because I’m tired of being freezing all the time
36. because I am worth so much more than a number on a scale or the size of my clothes
37. so I don’t get osteoporosis at a young age
38. Because regular food tastes sooo much better than diet foods
39. Because I want to wake up in the morning with ENERGY and ready to face the day, not tired and dreading it
40. So that the first thing to do in the morning wouldnt be running to the scales to meassure your worth, but to actually look in the mirror and love yourself for who you are
41. Stop worrying about what others think of me, and just what I think of myself
42. Because it's nice waking up and thinking about what you're going to do that day rather than think about what you're going to eat that day.
43. So people will trust me again
44. Because I want to feel GOOD not dizzy and like shit all the time
45. So that I can sleep and feel rested
46. So that I can help others in the future
47. so that I can wear clothes that FIT not baggy clothes to hide in
48. So i don't waste anymore money and food
49. So i can have children of my own someday
50. Because life is for living not for suffering and struggling through...
51. so that i can stop having to come up with excuses and just be truthful
52. so that i can exercise for fun not to lose weight
53. So i can feel worthful not worthless
54. so i can be HEALTHY :)
55. to think that my life has worth again
56. To never miss good times because I'm too insecure to go out.
57. So that I can enjoy myself in public without feeling as though everyone's looking at me.
58. I dont want to feel worthless, useless, a failure
59. I dont want my mood that day to be determined by what the scale says..or even have to look at the scale.
60. to think i look good regardless of what i ate that day.
61. To feel normal!
62. To be able to enjoy myself at holidays/parties/family events and stuff without wondering what they're thinking or worrying about the food or what i eat
63. I Can share my experience to inspire others.
64. I can have a real relationship
66. I can trust again
67. i am able to stop my behaviors for healthy ones
68 I can go out to dinner with people without being afraid.
69. I am much stronger, and healthy,
70. working on a lot off things with my counselor
72. I can open up, and stop pretending to smile all the time.
73. I can sing and play the piano now.
74. I am happier overall.
75. I am more vibrant
76. I am willing to keep trying when i mess up.
77. I WANT to stay OUT of fucking treatment
78. to be an inspiration to others that are struggling
79. to think about MORE than food or my weight
80. to have good relationships with people
81. to stay in school and graduate
82. have real relationships that aren't based on ED
83.to think clearly and not have ED fogging up my thoughts in my head
84. to have REAL energy
85. I don't want to be anemic anymore or have other medical issues
86. to feel good about taking care of myself
87. to exercise for fun and because it's good for me not because ED tells me to do so
88. to know who I am and be happy with WHO I am
89. to trust myself, and be able to trust others too
90. to accept myself and at a healthy weight
91. to really care about myself
92. to acheive true happiness and well being
93. to truly feel connected with other people
94. to be okay with asking for help sometimes
95. to be independent and make all of my own decisions, not have them made for me by anyone else (treatment teams, family etc.)
96. to be able to make GOOD decisions not ones that are filled with ED's influence
97. to fill my life with meaningful things that make me happy
98. to be a positive role model to others, especially others who are struggling
99. to be a success, at recovery and at other things too
100. to prove everyone who said I can't do this WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
101. Because nobody is perfect so why try to be????
102. I want my life to be about the aweosme things i can do/places i can go....and be proud of the places i can go, not having life be about treatment/treatment centers/what treatment center i'm going to/been to whether i'm going back to treatment....
103. So i'm not always in a bad mood from being so hungry
104. So that if i have a craving for something I can enjoy it rather than wishing i could or rather than looking at pics of it or rather than being scared of it...
105. So that I can occasionally indulge myself in treats/something i want
106. So i can feel less guilty
107. So that if i'm in a hurry or want it or something I can actually eat at a fast food place or restaurant and not feel so guilty or scared or avoid it alltogether
108. Because honesty is soooooo much better than the manipulation and lies...
109. to be able to forgive myself and others...
110. Because I am NOT a failure no matter how much i may think i am sometimes....
111. to earn respect....to respect myself and to earn respect from others
112.So i can live longer....
113. to be able to sleep at night
114. so i have hair and it doesn't keep falling out and causing bald spots
115. no longer be consumed by irrational thoughts
116. because i should like food...especially ice cream...and pb and banana and honey quesadillas.....hehehe
117. To give others HOPE just by having lived through it and recovered and by sharing my story...
118. so i don't feel so isolated and alone
119. being able to accept that people DO care and love me
120. because mirrors are stupid and you shouldn't spend so much time in front of them....How about more time doing something i LOVE like painting
121. So i can paint and not have such shaky hands
122. to make new friends.....and friends outside of treatment *though the friends i've met through treatment and recovery are AMAZING and some of the most amazing people ever*
123. becuase people really aren't judging you as much as you think they are...you're your harshest critic...
124. because i CAN
125. to prove anyone who says it's impossible wrong...
126. because "you look like SHIT" or "you look awful" or just utter silence and stares at people seeing you should NOT be considered a compliment or achievement....
127. Because lying to everyone and saying "i'm fine really" all the time when you clearly are NOT fine is not a way to live
128. to reunite with people (and not have them freak out at your appearance)
129. because ym goals should revolve around the future and things i can accomplish...NOT of what BMI/weight you want to get to next....
130. because I NEVER want to have to walk around again with an embarrassing stupid feeding tube up my nose and get stares/comments/whispers from people...
131. to stop feeling only pain and move on
132. to stop having so much physical pain every day from malnutrition
133. to stop waking up at night scared because you feel like crap again and your heart is racing and wondering when to go to the ER or if you will wake up in the morning
134. because electrolyte imbalances are NOT fun and are dangerous and make you feel like crap
135. to go shopping and be able to find stuff that fits and is cute....and NOT to have to shop in the kids section at 21 years old...because that is just NOT natural or right
136. because i have come to far to give up
137. Because I deserve better....FOR ME
138. because being truly happy is awesome....and faking it is not nearly as awesome....
139. because a real smile is genuine and beautiful...fake smiles are NOT the same
140. because i am unique :) there is no one else like me
141. so i can truly help others someday
142. becuase counting calories gets old and is a waste of math skills....there's so much more you can be doing with your mind....and plus if you're not eating enough you can't think clearly anyways.
143. not to have to lie when people ask you how you are, and that you can honestly say you are doing well :)
144. because being covered in bruises from malnutrition is not attractive and hiding them is hard, and people can stop asking questions about it
145. to live and act in the present...not keep saying "I'll do it tomorrrow" or "i'll do better tomorrow" or "i'll start recovery tomorrow"
146. because it is a real medical condition and it does deserve treatment and recovery
147. to be able to really accept compliments without thinking people are lying or pitying you
148. being able to say "i overcame it"
149. so the good days outnumber the bad
150. to fight for those who did not make it :(
151. To make those who love me proud....Instead of having them constantly worry and fear
152. to be and feel real
153. to let others in and stop pushing everyone away
154. to be able to enjoy a day at the beach
155. because people definitely DO get sick of hearing about eating disorders/food/calories/weight all the time and so that you can carry on a real conversation with a REAL topic not having to do with ED
156. because having people hate you for it or misunderstand it is so annoying
157. because most people will never understand and it's hard to explain it to them
158. to see your TRUE and BEAUTIFUL self
159. so i can look good and healthy instead of like shit
160. because a number should not definine you or make up your whole day
161. because being pale and gaunt looking and having dark circles under your eyes is NOT attractive at all and people tend to stare
162. to be able to spend a day shopping or out with friends and not be so exhausted you can't move afterwards or you pass out afterwards
163. because fainting is not fun and can be scary :(
164. because being freezing all the time sucks and you DO get stares when you wear sweatshirts and baggy pangs all summer
165. to not judge a day on what you weigh or what you ate
166. to not have to constantly explain yourself...
167. to not think of food 24/7 honestly...it's NOT normal to do so
168. because grocery shopping should not cause panic
169. because honestly destroying yourself doesn't make you any different or more like what you want to be
170. to be able to love againr
171. because people worrying gets old
172. because regular is so much better than diet
173. because i want to focus on other things
174. Because i want my own kids and a family someday
175. because throwing up is never fun....
176. to have less secrets
177. I want to eat a fucking chocolate bar and enjoy it!!
178. because drinking ensure/boost/CIB SUCKS real food is so much betterrrrrr
179. to not have to know the calorie content of everything and not freak out if i don't know it exactly
180. to be able to wear nice clothes and clothes I WANT to wear
181. To be able to wear fun dresses
182. to be with my family and not worry about what they think/say about me
183. to know what it's like to be HEALTHY and feel GOOD not like shit all the time
184. I do'nt want to have osteoporosis in my 20's
185. to have people stop thinking i'm crazy lol....
186. To be able to sleep without the serious insomnia
187. SO my story can have a good and happy ending, not a sad one
188. to have REAL control not imagined control
189. because being able to celebrate your birthday with cake is so much better and more fun
190. Because I am worth it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, September 16, 2011
ramblings of an insomniac lol
sooooo yep another sleepless night YAY me....
Rough day today, was just...long and there wasn't enough to distract me so i was basically stuck in my head all day. Wonderful....yeppp!!
I volunteered today (now i guess yesterday lol) and basically it was okay, but one of the people there does NOT like me at all, and will find fault with WHATEVER i am doing, be it talking with someone or something she will always come up to me and tell me what i am doing wrong. I feel like she doesn't like me and sometimes i feel like it's enough to make me not want to go back there anymore, because i AM doing the best i can and i work as hard as i can while I'm there, generally. I do what I'm supposed to. But it's never good enough for her. Basically today it was that I told a guest that if they had any questions that i was available to answer and i guess that's not enough I'm apparently supposed to know when they have a question and answer it for them before they even ask?? What...that's what she made it seem like...I don't really get it, i try to be there to answer questions and to interact with them when they want it but i try not to bug anyone and generally i can tell when a guest wants to be talked to or not and these people really did not want to be bothered. I mean I do what I can but it's never good enough for her....Just kind of upset me and made me feel like no one liked me or appreciated me there but idk I mean most people there seems to like me for the most part, so I'm trying not to let the one person interfere with that. I generally enjoy going there so i guess i shouldn't stop just because of one person right???I mean I've been doing it for 2 years now... Anyways...
Aaaand it was kinda awkward today too, because well I have this HUGE bruise on my leg, it just kinda appeared i'm not entirely sure what happened??? but anyways, some of the other people there saw it and questioned me about it asked me what happened I wasn't sure what to say... I was like ummmm...I think I just said i fell or something not sure what they think now, hopefully they're not thinking I'm crazy or anything lol. But yeahhh. I think i'm just anemic again and that's what caused it.
Right now I'm just really struggling. I really miss high school...I wish I was still there in some ways, because the last 2 years of high school at DS was one of the ONLY times in my life i felt safe, i felt like people really cared about me. I miss that. I feel like there's almost no one in my life right now who really cares. Right now i just...Want to know that someone does....It's complicated I guess...
So tonight I ate a little bit, buuut i freaked out and purged it, and I don't know how to feel about any of it. I want to be okay so badly, but I"m just struggling so much right now that I don't feel like I can pull myself out of it. I'm in a worse spot than I've been in in a long time. Physically I feel like SHIT all of the time I could barely even make it up a flight of stairs at "work" today. And yesterday I almost passed out or felt like I was going to, but was able to stop it before it happened. I can usually tell when it's going to and prevent it. Only problem was one of the people there saw me grab the wall and asked if i was okay, i was like ummm Yeah i'll be fine...He just looked at me idk what he thought...IDK what they think of me....I hope they don't think i'm crazy I want people to like me and think I'm normal or at least not crazy. Anyways back to the Ed part, i feel like shit physically and well behaviors are AWFUL purging anything I put in my mouth when i put anything in my mouth aaaandddd I've been taking these stupid diet pills again and laxatives stuff like that. I really need to stop I KNOW i do. Thoughts wise things are awful too, like I can't stop thinking about certain things and about how "fat" I am and just about how when i eat i have to purge....It's all I think about. It's reallyyyy out of control. I honestly am so stuck and don't know what to do.
I am seriously running out of hope fast. I am in so much debt have absolutely NO money, i spent the last dollar to my name on a diet coke....yeppp....I have no job, noo hope of a job, no school, and yeahhh no hope. I mean I htink i'm going to take classes at SNHU this winter but I honestly don't even know if i want to or not. Winter is sooo tough for me and idk if taking classes THEN would be a good idea. Just the thought of winter coming is scaring me, i get SO bad in teh winter like sooo bad. Seasonal depression is AAWFUL. IDK if i can handle another New England Winter like....i really don't.
Anyways, I've rambled enough. I'm sure everyone thinks i'm pathetic anyways. But oh well....I just do'nt know....But i want to be okay i really do. And i mean things have to get better right????
guess i'll attempt to get some sleep haha...Goodnight <3
Rough day today, was just...long and there wasn't enough to distract me so i was basically stuck in my head all day. Wonderful....yeppp!!
I volunteered today (now i guess yesterday lol) and basically it was okay, but one of the people there does NOT like me at all, and will find fault with WHATEVER i am doing, be it talking with someone or something she will always come up to me and tell me what i am doing wrong. I feel like she doesn't like me and sometimes i feel like it's enough to make me not want to go back there anymore, because i AM doing the best i can and i work as hard as i can while I'm there, generally. I do what I'm supposed to. But it's never good enough for her. Basically today it was that I told a guest that if they had any questions that i was available to answer and i guess that's not enough I'm apparently supposed to know when they have a question and answer it for them before they even ask?? What...that's what she made it seem like...I don't really get it, i try to be there to answer questions and to interact with them when they want it but i try not to bug anyone and generally i can tell when a guest wants to be talked to or not and these people really did not want to be bothered. I mean I do what I can but it's never good enough for her....Just kind of upset me and made me feel like no one liked me or appreciated me there but idk I mean most people there seems to like me for the most part, so I'm trying not to let the one person interfere with that. I generally enjoy going there so i guess i shouldn't stop just because of one person right???I mean I've been doing it for 2 years now... Anyways...
Aaaand it was kinda awkward today too, because well I have this HUGE bruise on my leg, it just kinda appeared i'm not entirely sure what happened??? but anyways, some of the other people there saw it and questioned me about it asked me what happened I wasn't sure what to say... I was like ummmm...I think I just said i fell or something not sure what they think now, hopefully they're not thinking I'm crazy or anything lol. But yeahhh. I think i'm just anemic again and that's what caused it.
Right now I'm just really struggling. I really miss high school...I wish I was still there in some ways, because the last 2 years of high school at DS was one of the ONLY times in my life i felt safe, i felt like people really cared about me. I miss that. I feel like there's almost no one in my life right now who really cares. Right now i just...Want to know that someone does....It's complicated I guess...
So tonight I ate a little bit, buuut i freaked out and purged it, and I don't know how to feel about any of it. I want to be okay so badly, but I"m just struggling so much right now that I don't feel like I can pull myself out of it. I'm in a worse spot than I've been in in a long time. Physically I feel like SHIT all of the time I could barely even make it up a flight of stairs at "work" today. And yesterday I almost passed out or felt like I was going to, but was able to stop it before it happened. I can usually tell when it's going to and prevent it. Only problem was one of the people there saw me grab the wall and asked if i was okay, i was like ummm Yeah i'll be fine...He just looked at me idk what he thought...IDK what they think of me....I hope they don't think i'm crazy I want people to like me and think I'm normal or at least not crazy. Anyways back to the Ed part, i feel like shit physically and well behaviors are AWFUL purging anything I put in my mouth when i put anything in my mouth aaaandddd I've been taking these stupid diet pills again and laxatives stuff like that. I really need to stop I KNOW i do. Thoughts wise things are awful too, like I can't stop thinking about certain things and about how "fat" I am and just about how when i eat i have to purge....It's all I think about. It's reallyyyy out of control. I honestly am so stuck and don't know what to do.
I am seriously running out of hope fast. I am in so much debt have absolutely NO money, i spent the last dollar to my name on a diet coke....yeppp....I have no job, noo hope of a job, no school, and yeahhh no hope. I mean I htink i'm going to take classes at SNHU this winter but I honestly don't even know if i want to or not. Winter is sooo tough for me and idk if taking classes THEN would be a good idea. Just the thought of winter coming is scaring me, i get SO bad in teh winter like sooo bad. Seasonal depression is AAWFUL. IDK if i can handle another New England Winter like....i really don't.
Anyways, I've rambled enough. I'm sure everyone thinks i'm pathetic anyways. But oh well....I just do'nt know....But i want to be okay i really do. And i mean things have to get better right????
guess i'll attempt to get some sleep haha...Goodnight <3
Who am I?
I honestly don't know who I am anymore
I am so lost and confused and unsure right now and just don't know where to turn I have so much emotion but yet I just feel so numb. It really sucks I have no where to turn nothing. I just don't know. I still feel like the biggest failure to walk this earth with no job no school no money no life and no hope. And I owe money to my mom so I just don't know. I literally spent my last dollar todday on a diet coke yepp that's what it has come down to. Oh well.
Eating disorder wise things are bad bad bad I just don't know how to fight it anymore ive lost a lot of weight this week but I feel like it's not even noticeable and I still look fine so why should anyone care?? I mean the past few days I've eaten less than 500calories totAl and purged it too so I'm just such a mess. I need to be in treatment again but it's not an option for one and for two I'd feel stupid going in at this weight like I'm not sick enough and that people would just look at me and be like why us she there she can't have an Ed she is fat...ughhh I just want to escape my mind lol.
I just need An identity i need to know who I am especially without my Ed..but I don't know...
I just really need some hope I am running out I am so depressed!! But I guess there is one thing I keep telling myself it will get better!!!
Today is also not a good day because it's freezing out and it's a reminder that winter is coming and I just honestly don't think I can handle another new england winter I get even more depressed and it's awful so idk what I'm going to do!!!
I just am so lost right now...I want to find me...
Anyways just venting really...thanks for reading lol...sorry I'm such a downer but I guess things have to get better from here!!!
Have a good day!!!!
I am so lost and confused and unsure right now and just don't know where to turn I have so much emotion but yet I just feel so numb. It really sucks I have no where to turn nothing. I just don't know. I still feel like the biggest failure to walk this earth with no job no school no money no life and no hope. And I owe money to my mom so I just don't know. I literally spent my last dollar todday on a diet coke yepp that's what it has come down to. Oh well.
Eating disorder wise things are bad bad bad I just don't know how to fight it anymore ive lost a lot of weight this week but I feel like it's not even noticeable and I still look fine so why should anyone care?? I mean the past few days I've eaten less than 500calories totAl and purged it too so I'm just such a mess. I need to be in treatment again but it's not an option for one and for two I'd feel stupid going in at this weight like I'm not sick enough and that people would just look at me and be like why us she there she can't have an Ed she is fat...ughhh I just want to escape my mind lol.
I just need An identity i need to know who I am especially without my Ed..but I don't know...
I just really need some hope I am running out I am so depressed!! But I guess there is one thing I keep telling myself it will get better!!!
Today is also not a good day because it's freezing out and it's a reminder that winter is coming and I just honestly don't think I can handle another new england winter I get even more depressed and it's awful so idk what I'm going to do!!!
I just am so lost right now...I want to find me...
Anyways just venting really...thanks for reading lol...sorry I'm such a downer but I guess things have to get better from here!!!
Have a good day!!!!
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Where were you?
Where were you when I needed a friend?
Where were you when I wanted it all to end
Where were you when I needed you most
Where were you when I felt so gross
Where were you when I wasn’t okay
Where were you when I didn’t know what to say
Where were you when the tears rained down
Where were you when all I could do was frown
Where were you when all was lost
Where were you at that cost?
Where were you when I was in so much pain
Where were you in the endless rain
Where were you when I was flooded with shame
Where were you when I took all the blame
Where were you when he hurt me so
Where were you when I didn’t know where to go
Where were you, did you even know?
Where were you, I needed you so
Where were you when I longed for the knife
Where were you throughout my life
Where were you, when I needed you so much
Where were you when I longed for that touch
Where were you when I hurt so
Where were you when I tried to say no
Where were you when I needed to talk
Where were you when I could barely walk
Where were you, do you even care
Where were you, you were not there
Where were you when I was in strife
Where were you when I wanted to end my life
Where were you through everything that’s happened
Where were you, on you I could not depend….
Where were you when I wanted it all to end
Where were you when I needed you most
Where were you when I felt so gross
Where were you when I wasn’t okay
Where were you when I didn’t know what to say
Where were you when the tears rained down
Where were you when all I could do was frown
Where were you when all was lost
Where were you at that cost?
Where were you when I was in so much pain
Where were you in the endless rain
Where were you when I was flooded with shame
Where were you when I took all the blame
Where were you when he hurt me so
Where were you when I didn’t know where to go
Where were you, did you even know?
Where were you, I needed you so
Where were you when I longed for the knife
Where were you throughout my life
Where were you, when I needed you so much
Where were you when I longed for that touch
Where were you when I hurt so
Where were you when I tried to say no
Where were you when I needed to talk
Where were you when I could barely walk
Where were you, do you even care
Where were you, you were not there
Where were you when I was in strife
Where were you when I wanted to end my life
Where were you through everything that’s happened
Where were you, on you I could not depend….
Please don't believe me
Please don’t believe me
When I say I am okay
Please don’t believe me
When I say I don’t need you In any way
Please don’t believe me
I lie so much
Please don’t believe me
I need your gentle touch
Please don’t believe me
When I say I do not
Please don’t believe me
When I lie I want to be caught
Please don’t believe me
I am hurting so
Please don’t believe me
When I say to go
Please don’t believe me
I lie so much I do
Please don’t believe me
For I really do need you
When I say I am okay
Please don’t believe me
When I say I don’t need you In any way
Please don’t believe me
I lie so much
Please don’t believe me
I need your gentle touch
Please don’t believe me
When I say I do not
Please don’t believe me
When I lie I want to be caught
Please don’t believe me
I am hurting so
Please don’t believe me
When I say to go
Please don’t believe me
I lie so much I do
Please don’t believe me
For I really do need you
just a few more pounds...
Just a few more pounds that I can lose
just a few more pounds this i choose
just a few more pounds I can look my best
just a few more pounds then I can rest
Just a few more pounds it won't hurt me
just a few more pounds then I might see
Just a few more pounds maybe then i'll be happy
just a few more pounds can't possibly hurt me
Just a few more pounds i know i've said it before
just a few more pounds i promise no more
Just a few more pounds i'm finally close to my goal
just a few more pounds i won't lose control
just a few more pounds i promise i will stop
just a few more pounds then i'll be at the top
just a few more pounds isn't that much
just a few more pounds has become my crutch
just a few more pounds I want to weigh less
just a few more pounds I will look my best
just a few more pounds I promise no more
just a few more pounds I have come to abhor
Just a few more pounds is it so tough
just a few more pounds is it ever enough???
just a few more pounds please stop now
just a few more pounds do not allow
just a few more pounds i am so close to my goal
just a few more pounds but at what toll?
just a few more pounds you don't realize what it can do
just a few more pounds could be the end of you...
just a few more pounds this i choose
just a few more pounds I can look my best
just a few more pounds then I can rest
Just a few more pounds it won't hurt me
just a few more pounds then I might see
Just a few more pounds maybe then i'll be happy
just a few more pounds can't possibly hurt me
Just a few more pounds i know i've said it before
just a few more pounds i promise no more
Just a few more pounds i'm finally close to my goal
just a few more pounds i won't lose control
just a few more pounds i promise i will stop
just a few more pounds then i'll be at the top
just a few more pounds isn't that much
just a few more pounds has become my crutch
just a few more pounds I want to weigh less
just a few more pounds I will look my best
just a few more pounds I promise no more
just a few more pounds I have come to abhor
Just a few more pounds is it so tough
just a few more pounds is it ever enough???
just a few more pounds please stop now
just a few more pounds do not allow
just a few more pounds i am so close to my goal
just a few more pounds but at what toll?
just a few more pounds you don't realize what it can do
just a few more pounds could be the end of you...
in my skin
Never feeling comfortable in my skin
It is just the shell I am in
I always wonder, am I fat or thin
Can they see the tears falling to my chin?
I always wonder, can they tell
That I am going through this hell….
Please don’t look me in the eyes
For it might uncover all of my lies
The truth is not ready to be told
Of all of the hurts of old
Could they ever understand what goes on in my head?
The constant feelings of insecurity, of dread
Some days I don’t even know how to feel
Nothing even seems real
I feel like I’m living in a daze
Everything is all in a haze
My mind constantly playing tricks on me
Panic has taken over and won’t let me be free
Trying to tell myself everything will be okay
But I still have to deal with this feeling every day…..
It is just the shell I am in
I always wonder, am I fat or thin
Can they see the tears falling to my chin?
I always wonder, can they tell
That I am going through this hell….
Please don’t look me in the eyes
For it might uncover all of my lies
The truth is not ready to be told
Of all of the hurts of old
Could they ever understand what goes on in my head?
The constant feelings of insecurity, of dread
Some days I don’t even know how to feel
Nothing even seems real
I feel like I’m living in a daze
Everything is all in a haze
My mind constantly playing tricks on me
Panic has taken over and won’t let me be free
Trying to tell myself everything will be okay
But I still have to deal with this feeling every day…..
Don't look into the mirror
Don’t look in the mirror
All it does is tell lies
You will no longer see your beauty
Your body you will despise
Don’t look in the mirror
For it is not true
You will no longer see
The real you
Don’t look in the mirror
For it tells you you are fat
It tells you you are gross
Tells you to do this, do that
Don’t look in the mirror
Don’t believe what it tells you
For you are beautiful
And you are true
Don’t look in the mirror
It will tell you all your flaws
It won’t say anything nice
It’ll pull you in by its evil claws
Don’t look in the mirror
For I want you to view
The real and inner beauty you possess
The beauty held by you
All it does is tell lies
You will no longer see your beauty
Your body you will despise
Don’t look in the mirror
For it is not true
You will no longer see
The real you
Don’t look in the mirror
For it tells you you are fat
It tells you you are gross
Tells you to do this, do that
Don’t look in the mirror
Don’t believe what it tells you
For you are beautiful
And you are true
Don’t look in the mirror
It will tell you all your flaws
It won’t say anything nice
It’ll pull you in by its evil claws
Don’t look in the mirror
For I want you to view
The real and inner beauty you possess
The beauty held by you
Broken
Her body is alive, but her soul is dying
Her spirit is fighting, and her mind is obeying
Her eyes may be dry, but her heart’s always crying
Her voice may be full of truth, but her words are always lying
Her lips remain in a smile, but that smile is fake, no longer real
Her secrets are not spoken, the truth she conceals
Her life may be in repair but her heart will not heal
Her body may be safe, but her mind she shields
Her innocence gone but she cannot hide
Her mind is bursting, but she is empty inside
Her hopes fade as she struggles and fights
Her eyes are open but her vision’s not right
Her ears are listening but everything remains unheard
Her mouth goes to speak, but only silence is heard
Her memory is clear, but her mind’s blurred
Her questions are asked, but they remain unanswered
Her mouth is speaking but the words she cannot say
Her body is in the present but her mind has gone astray
Her smile may seem happy, but that happiness if fake
Her body may be intact, but her mind’s about to break
Her secrets become revealed but she still hides
Her body is her own, but in her heart it still resides
Her soul’s been broken, and abused….and somehow she still survives….
Her spirit is fighting, and her mind is obeying
Her eyes may be dry, but her heart’s always crying
Her voice may be full of truth, but her words are always lying
Her lips remain in a smile, but that smile is fake, no longer real
Her secrets are not spoken, the truth she conceals
Her life may be in repair but her heart will not heal
Her body may be safe, but her mind she shields
Her innocence gone but she cannot hide
Her mind is bursting, but she is empty inside
Her hopes fade as she struggles and fights
Her eyes are open but her vision’s not right
Her ears are listening but everything remains unheard
Her mouth goes to speak, but only silence is heard
Her memory is clear, but her mind’s blurred
Her questions are asked, but they remain unanswered
Her mouth is speaking but the words she cannot say
Her body is in the present but her mind has gone astray
Her smile may seem happy, but that happiness if fake
Her body may be intact, but her mind’s about to break
Her secrets become revealed but she still hides
Her body is her own, but in her heart it still resides
Her soul’s been broken, and abused….and somehow she still survives….
Does anyone care???
Does anyone care when I can’t continue to fight?
Does anyone care when tears and fright fill the night?
Does anyone care when my tears fall silently to the ground?
Does anyone care when help just can’t be found?
Does anyone care when I feel so low?
Does anyone care when I can’t even bring myself to say hello?
Does anyone care when I am lost in so many ways
Does anyone care when I am not around for days?
Does anyone care when I push people away?
Does anyone care when I don’t know what to say?
Does anyone care when I’ve lost all of my friends?
Does anyone care when it feels like the end?
Does anyone care when I feel so sad?
Does anyone care when it gets so bad?
Does anyone care when I can’t be there?
Does anyone care when I am so scared?
Does anyone care when I isolate myself?
Does anyone care when I am lost on the farthest shelf?
Does anyone care when I am unsure of what to do
Does anyone care, please tell me you do??
Does anyone care when tears and fright fill the night?
Does anyone care when my tears fall silently to the ground?
Does anyone care when help just can’t be found?
Does anyone care when I feel so low?
Does anyone care when I can’t even bring myself to say hello?
Does anyone care when I am lost in so many ways
Does anyone care when I am not around for days?
Does anyone care when I push people away?
Does anyone care when I don’t know what to say?
Does anyone care when I’ve lost all of my friends?
Does anyone care when it feels like the end?
Does anyone care when I feel so sad?
Does anyone care when it gets so bad?
Does anyone care when I can’t be there?
Does anyone care when I am so scared?
Does anyone care when I isolate myself?
Does anyone care when I am lost on the farthest shelf?
Does anyone care when I am unsure of what to do
Does anyone care, please tell me you do??
Monday, September 12, 2011
ABC's of an eating disorder....
I wrote this forever ago...
A is for the anxiety you always know
B is for the bones you wish to show
C is for the compulsions you always do
D is for the death that could overtake you
E is for emaciation, eating, ednos, and overexercise
F is for the feeding tube they will put in regardless of your cries
G is for the guilt you will always feel
H is for the hate which is so real
I is for yourself, whom you no longer know
J is for justification, you always show
K is for the ketosis that your body will know
L is for the lanugo, which you will grow
M is for medications of laxatives and diet pills
N is for the nutrition for which your body wills
O is for obvious obsession
P is for purging which has you in possession
Q is for quiet, for you never speak of your disease
R is for the rest, which your body never sees
S is for the self- starvation you know best
T is for the triggers you know the rest
U is for how unhealthy your body has become
V is for validation, all you want is some
W is for wishing you could be thinner
X is for the countless X-rays you will require
Y is for yourself you no longer admire
Z is for zero which is the number for which you aspire……
A is for the anxiety you always know
B is for the bones you wish to show
C is for the compulsions you always do
D is for the death that could overtake you
E is for emaciation, eating, ednos, and overexercise
F is for the feeding tube they will put in regardless of your cries
G is for the guilt you will always feel
H is for the hate which is so real
I is for yourself, whom you no longer know
J is for justification, you always show
K is for the ketosis that your body will know
L is for the lanugo, which you will grow
M is for medications of laxatives and diet pills
N is for the nutrition for which your body wills
O is for obvious obsession
P is for purging which has you in possession
Q is for quiet, for you never speak of your disease
R is for the rest, which your body never sees
S is for the self- starvation you know best
T is for the triggers you know the rest
U is for how unhealthy your body has become
V is for validation, all you want is some
W is for wishing you could be thinner
X is for the countless X-rays you will require
Y is for yourself you no longer admire
Z is for zero which is the number for which you aspire……
Roller Coaster....
"The world's a roller coaster and I am not strapped in..."
This quote just describes my life right now....It's how I am feeling. I feel like everything is just so out of control and that I don't know what is coming next or if I will even get through. I don't even feel like I am living right now...I am simply existing, and I hate it. I go through the days, go through the motions, but honestly I'm not really feeling much, just going with it. It's like I'm a walking zombie, sometimes I honestly don't even know what is going on around me....The only decent days of the week are Thursdays and Fridays because I work those days and feel somewhat productive. Only tough part about those days is that I have to put on a mask and smile there and pretend that I am okay, and that can get exhausting too, but I don't really mind it. I usually enjoy being there, and most of the people there seem to like me.
Health wise things are really rocky too, apparently I'm "sick" according to my doctor...But I'm having trouble accepting that fact I just don't think it's that serious I mean it's not like I'm that thin right now, right so why should I care...She wants me to go to treatment but I told her it's not an option right now. She's not too happy with me. OH well...
I also just feel so alone in the world, sometimes and it's tough...I know I have people, but sometimes it's just I still feel so alone i can't even describe it. Anyways....
sooo I found some pics from when I was REALLY sick a few years ago, and it really threw me off somewhat, because in some ways I miss it and want to go back I think I looked good then, so much better than i do now ugh...It's so disordered.
I can't even think clearly right now, I guess that should clue me in to the fact i'm not okay, but....oh well. This post probably makes no sense as it is lol....
Oh well I'll shut up now. I just do this for me anyways since i know no one really reads this haha. Goodnight world :)
This quote just describes my life right now....It's how I am feeling. I feel like everything is just so out of control and that I don't know what is coming next or if I will even get through. I don't even feel like I am living right now...I am simply existing, and I hate it. I go through the days, go through the motions, but honestly I'm not really feeling much, just going with it. It's like I'm a walking zombie, sometimes I honestly don't even know what is going on around me....The only decent days of the week are Thursdays and Fridays because I work those days and feel somewhat productive. Only tough part about those days is that I have to put on a mask and smile there and pretend that I am okay, and that can get exhausting too, but I don't really mind it. I usually enjoy being there, and most of the people there seem to like me.
Health wise things are really rocky too, apparently I'm "sick" according to my doctor...But I'm having trouble accepting that fact I just don't think it's that serious I mean it's not like I'm that thin right now, right so why should I care...She wants me to go to treatment but I told her it's not an option right now. She's not too happy with me. OH well...
I also just feel so alone in the world, sometimes and it's tough...I know I have people, but sometimes it's just I still feel so alone i can't even describe it. Anyways....
sooo I found some pics from when I was REALLY sick a few years ago, and it really threw me off somewhat, because in some ways I miss it and want to go back I think I looked good then, so much better than i do now ugh...It's so disordered.
I can't even think clearly right now, I guess that should clue me in to the fact i'm not okay, but....oh well. This post probably makes no sense as it is lol....
Oh well I'll shut up now. I just do this for me anyways since i know no one really reads this haha. Goodnight world :)
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Another sleepless night....
Another sleepless night...Welcome to my life...LOL
If anyone knew how little i truly sleep...well, they'd probably wonder how i function. I wonder how i function half the time!!
I hate sleep...Sleep is just not a pleasant thing for me, so sometimes i avoid it. Makes no sense to most people but it makes sense to me...I don't like to deal with it, there are so many reasons, mostly because of the dreams but also because i don't like not knowing what is going on around me, you know?? Sleep just seems...unsafe sometimes. I don't know, also it's another control thing for me, i can't control a lot of my life but I can control how much i eat and sleep...It'll probably catch up to me eventually. Most nights i'm also too hungry to sleep, and all i can think about is food not sleep and my mind runs at about a million miles a second so yeah...Everyone must think I'm crazy. Oh well, what's new really haha, anyone who knows me knows i am so....yep!
Anyways, I'm feeling really low, physically and emotionally, and eating disorder wise things are a mess. My life just feels like one big mess right now. I mean...I feel like the biggest failure to walk the earth. How much more of a failure can you get than not being in school, not having a job and no money, nothing. I mean i have decided that i am going to take classes in January at SNHU but still, it's not the same. I miss college and college life so much. But like i said before, i have HOPE....I am stronger than I think....I can do this....
I want to recover so badly right now, but I am struggling so much. I can't even think clearly anymore, my mind is such a mess and the ED thoughts and urges are just so strong, stronger than I am right now, I will continue to fight as much as i can but it's tough...
Honestly I don't even know what to say here....Nothing's new really and I'm just rambling probably....but i felt like posting something....Anyways like i said, i have hope and nothing will ever take that away!!!!!!!!!! I will win this battle somehow, one way or another, I have to...No other options...Things will improve....
I found this that i wrote a while back and it gave me hope again...I mean if i could fight it and win even for a few months before, i can do it again....
A number has been In my head for far too long
A number I had to be, I had to keep strong
That number had so much power over me
So much that what it was doing to me I could not see
That number on the scale I had to be
That number always haunted me
One pound over would cause me to freak-out
Nothing anyone said could help me out
Exercise, restrict, purge, anything to get to that weight
Get back to that number I thought was so great
Perfection I just had to be
At that weight of 93
Though at that number I was slowly dying
For nutrition, my body needs I was denying
So I finally made a decision to let go of that number
To venture out and try to recover
It was the hardest decision I ever made
But from that number I have strayed
I am now at a healthy body weight
And I feel so great
a number on a scale should never control you
there is so much more in life you can do
Anyways if anyone does happen to be reading this...Which i doubt since i'm not that interesting...I hope you have a wonderful night and remember YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND AMAZING JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
<3
Friday, September 9, 2011
You are stronger than you think!!
I keep repeating this to myself every few minutes... Remind myself that it's true and that nothing anyone says should keep this from being true!!
I just realized that it is September (yeahhh I'm a bit slow
Sometimes) anyways this brings up a lot of emotions and its difficult. Of all of the months September brings the most challenges for me, lots of memories and stressors especially the fact that everyone is returning to school and I am not. This makes me feel like the biggest failure ever! Logically I know it's not true and there is so much more to it than that but when everyone is constantly bringing it up and the fact I don't have a job it's tough!! I'm loOking but really there's not much out there and it sucks!! I have no money no school no job...but I still have hope and no one can take that from me!!!!
Ed wise things have been well... Not so great I wont go into detail but behaviors thoughts and health haven't been so good, worse than it's been in a long time. I feel like shut all the time and I ended up passing out one night I'm scared but don't know what to do. I won't give up though I know I have to keep fighting this!!! There really is only one option... To fight because the alternative is living with this till it eventually kills me and well that option sucks so I won't even consider it!!! Sometimes it's rough with the comments though mom told me I needed to start going to the gym or I'll get "flabby" whatttttt seriously?? Idk what to think of that is she calling me fat??? Ed wants to run with it but I won't I know going to the gym would NOT be healthy for me right now I mean I can barely climb a flight of stairs without almost passing out so the gym... Not a good idea!!!! Anywys....
You are stronger than you think.... I will keep repeating this to myself and keep up hope.... Things will improve :) they have to the only way to go is up....remember rock bottom is good solid ground and a dead end is just a place to turn around!!!!!!!!
Hope everyone has a wonderful day ;) love u all!!!!!!
I just realized that it is September (yeahhh I'm a bit slow
Sometimes) anyways this brings up a lot of emotions and its difficult. Of all of the months September brings the most challenges for me, lots of memories and stressors especially the fact that everyone is returning to school and I am not. This makes me feel like the biggest failure ever! Logically I know it's not true and there is so much more to it than that but when everyone is constantly bringing it up and the fact I don't have a job it's tough!! I'm loOking but really there's not much out there and it sucks!! I have no money no school no job...but I still have hope and no one can take that from me!!!!
Ed wise things have been well... Not so great I wont go into detail but behaviors thoughts and health haven't been so good, worse than it's been in a long time. I feel like shut all the time and I ended up passing out one night I'm scared but don't know what to do. I won't give up though I know I have to keep fighting this!!! There really is only one option... To fight because the alternative is living with this till it eventually kills me and well that option sucks so I won't even consider it!!! Sometimes it's rough with the comments though mom told me I needed to start going to the gym or I'll get "flabby" whatttttt seriously?? Idk what to think of that is she calling me fat??? Ed wants to run with it but I won't I know going to the gym would NOT be healthy for me right now I mean I can barely climb a flight of stairs without almost passing out so the gym... Not a good idea!!!! Anywys....
You are stronger than you think.... I will keep repeating this to myself and keep up hope.... Things will improve :) they have to the only way to go is up....remember rock bottom is good solid ground and a dead end is just a place to turn around!!!!!!!!
Hope everyone has a wonderful day ;) love u all!!!!!!
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Uhhhmmmmm
Soooo I thought I'd start up blogging again, maybe thought it might help me some....Anyways this is my first post in a while, i started a tumblr but I think I like this better. Anyways....
I’m struggling. Struggling more than ever right now with my eating disorder. I feel so low, I barely even have the motivation to get up in the morning anymore. I don’t have the motivation to apply to anymore jobs, because well….I’m just going to be rejected anyways….People think I’m fine…I put up a good mask when I’m out. But sometimes I just want to scream I AM NOT OKAY CAN’T YOU SEE…..Yeah my weight might not be that low right now even though i’ve lost over 20 lbs, but all in all my behaviors and thoughts and stuff are worse than ever. I just honestly don’t see how I can get myself out of this spot on my own. I think I need to be back in treatment, or something. I can’t do it anymore. I WANT TO BE OKAY!!!!!!!!! But I just don’t know how to be. Is there any hope for me? I want to believe there is. I want to believe I can recover. But after 10 years of this is it even possible???? I just want another chance at recovery, yes I’ve had 2 chances already, but just one more time…please…I just don’t know if that is even possible….Anyways don’t know what else to say really, but I hope everyone else is doing well :)
I’m struggling. Struggling more than ever right now with my eating disorder. I feel so low, I barely even have the motivation to get up in the morning anymore. I don’t have the motivation to apply to anymore jobs, because well….I’m just going to be rejected anyways….People think I’m fine…I put up a good mask when I’m out. But sometimes I just want to scream I AM NOT OKAY CAN’T YOU SEE…..Yeah my weight might not be that low right now even though i’ve lost over 20 lbs, but all in all my behaviors and thoughts and stuff are worse than ever. I just honestly don’t see how I can get myself out of this spot on my own. I think I need to be back in treatment, or something. I can’t do it anymore. I WANT TO BE OKAY!!!!!!!!! But I just don’t know how to be. Is there any hope for me? I want to believe there is. I want to believe I can recover. But after 10 years of this is it even possible???? I just want another chance at recovery, yes I’ve had 2 chances already, but just one more time…please…I just don’t know if that is even possible….Anyways don’t know what else to say really, but I hope everyone else is doing well :)
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