ED

ED, it is my enemy, my friend, my foe
Pulling me down slowly, again…so low
I’m held captive…A prisoner as you desired
Destroying my mind as my body grows tired

I try to ignore you, but you are so strong and loud
Taking control of my thoughts, you are so proud
I try to stop you little by little
But you keep finding your way back into the riddle

You destroy me, friend me, use me so
Every need and worry you always know
You promised to ease all my stress
But you’ve made me a mess

You torture my mind and body repeatedly again
With your promises to keep me, thin
You are no friend of mine
For you are so unkind

You are a bully so forceful and strong
You’ve been with me for far too long
You do not care what happens to me
So no longer my friend will you be….

emotions

Consuming my life
The emotions flood my mind
The chaos, they fill the void
Fulfill that need
The one true friend that listens
Does not judge me for the disgrace I am
I no longer feel alone
No longer feel insecure
For this accomplishment
Control is mine for a limited time
I want to scream and shout
Silence is all that comes out
I again feel alone and helpless
Need to let it go but I don’t have the answers
No solution in sight
The end result is always the same
The pain and suffering my body endures
And seemless never ending battle
Will I ever win??

mirror

I look in the mirror and what do I see
A crumpled, broken girl looking back at me
In her life’s been so much pain
Yet somehow, she finds the strength to remain
In her eyes, the sadness shows
Her former self, no one knows
Her beaten body broken and bruised
For she has been so used
Her life has become so much
Longing for that single touch
To know that someone is there
Someone who will really care
In no one does she trust
But keep holding on, she must
Her body she despises
Feels like she is wearing so many disguises
Faking that smile upon her face
So no one can know her disgrace
The self-hatred so deep
All she wants to do is weep
So much anger and so much fear
To her, everything is no longer clear
The guilt, the shame
And all of the blame
She no longer wants to feel so much pain
feels like she is going insane
Though this girl might be bent, she refuses to break
Another statistic she will not make
Knowing that what she is doing is so wrong
Feels like she doesn’t belong
The starving, the bingeing, the purging and pain
Yet some things still remain
Her faith will not be broken
For in Him, she knows she can be awoken
She just has to trust in God
For he knows of all the paths she has trod
She hopes someday the mirror will reflect her true heart
And no longer be falling apart
This girl will forever stand strong
And prove everybody wrong!!

insomnia

My eyelids droop
My head pounds
Yet I force myself to stay awake
For I cannot sleep
Sleep is too scary a thing
When I am forced into my dreams
Where all is dark and dim
In addition, he is there
Haunting, attacking yet again
I cannot even breathe
I force myself to stay awake
I do not even know where I am
Or why it goes on in my head
Over and over again
I just wish it would end
Sometimes I watch it as it happens
Other times I relive it feel it happening again
Making even my sleep no longer safe
I have no escape
I am so tired
So defeated
But I still cannot allow myself
To fall asleep…..

asdf

Lost alone confused a mess
Going through all of this distress
Don’t know how much more I can take
I hate everything being so fake
I feel like I don’t belong
Been like this for far too long
The worlds going on around me
Still I don’t always see
Feel like I am living in a dream
Nothing is as it may seem
I cruise along with life going on around
Not really hearing much of a sound
Everything seems so unreal
I don’t even know how to feel
For in order to cope I dissociate
It goes on at an alarming rate
I am so numb, unsure
Can’t take it anymore
I just want to heal
Make everything again be real
So now, I know I must
In someone, learn to again trust
So I may no longer feel so much shame
No longer take all of the blame….

poem...fear

My body lying frozen with fear
The only thing I shed is another tear
While another night I lie awake
How much more can my body take??

In the mirror as I look that reflection is not me
Who is it that i see?
The monster is staring back at me bold
Her eyes are stone cold

Into a dream or flashback I am beckoned
And it does not relent not even for a second
The pain I am carrying so deep
My body cries out for some sleep

Will I ever be free again?
I experience so much pain…
The images are so real they cannot be undone
No matter how much I try to run

So many years have gone by
Yet still I sit and wonder why
It was my reality from years past
It isn’t just a dream that lasts

Constantly living with guilt and shame
I feel that I am to blame
I turn all the anger, hatred back to me
In my attempt to set myself free

As I try to rebuild my life from the start
I want to heal my very broken heart
How long will this take I do not know
I need to find the route to follow

Though I am not alone and that helps me to know
I will make it through this somehow….

poem...thoughts

It devours my every thought, each piece of my mind
Images of food, so vivid, so unkind
Please give me strength, please empower me
To stop this eating disorder, set me free…

Give me strength; please give the power to me
To get past this incessant eating disorder, this I plea
Relentless, as it can be
Driving, compelling, for it is now consuming me….

Please give me power, grant me strength
I want To resist this urge to binge and purge
I’m overpoweringly forced, going to any length
I’m afraid I’ll give in to this commanding urge

This urge weighs heavy on my stomach, my body, my mind
Enticing and forcing me, every time it can find
Please give me the power, please give me the strength
To resist this urge, I will go to great length

Please grant me the strength, this I will pray
To care for my body, and never again stray
Please give me the power, help me use my ability
To care for my body, the one that god granted me….

poem...diets

So many diets
So many awful days
So many destructive behaviors
Make up my ways
So many pounds lost
So many gained
So many times starving
Yet fat still remained
So many body checks
Not being able to see
That somewhere deep inside
Isn’t there a beautiful me?
So many days I’ve cried
While looking at my outward shell
So many days have been lost
Being in food hell
So many years of punishment
Imposed upon me
So many days I try
So hard to just be free
So many failed behaviors
So many disordered views
So many ways of dieting
Must I forever lose?

poem

Realize you are not alone
End bad eating habits
Care for your body
Only you have the power to do this
Very difficult but you can do this
Everyone will be happy and proud of you
Recognize irrational thoughts and do not act on them
You deserve happiness, peace and health

poetry....living a dream

Lost alone confused a mess
Going through all of this distress
Don’t know how much more I can take
I hate everything being so fake
I feel like I don’t belong
Been like this for far too long
The worlds going on around me
Still I don’t always see
Feel like I am living in a dream
Nothing is as it may seem
I cruise along with life going on around
Not really hearing much of a sound
Everything seems so unreal
I don’t even know how to feel
For in order to cope I dissociate
It goes on at an alarming rate
I am so numb, unsure
Can’t take it anymore
I just want to heal
Make everything again be real
So now, I know I must
In someone, learn to again trust
So I may no longer feel so much shame
No longer take all of the blame….