Who am I?

I honestly don't know who I am anymore
I am so lost and confused and unsure right now and just don't know where to turn I have so much emotion but yet I just feel so numb. It really sucks I have no where to turn nothing. I just don't know. I still feel like the biggest failure to walk this earth with no job no school no money no life and no hope. And I owe money to my mom so I just don't know. I literally spent my last dollar todday on a diet coke yepp that's what it has come down to. Oh well.
Eating disorder wise things are bad bad bad I just don't know how to fight it anymore ive lost a lot of weight this week but I feel like it's not even noticeable and I still look fine so why should anyone care?? I mean the past few days I've eaten less than 500calories totAl and purged it too so I'm just such a mess. I need to be in treatment again but it's not an option for one and for two I'd feel stupid going in at this weight like I'm not sick enough and that people would just look at me and be like why us she there she can't have an Ed she is fat...ughhh I just want to escape my mind lol.
I just need An identity i need to know who I am especially without my Ed..but I don't know...
I just really need some hope I am running out I am so depressed!! But I guess there is one thing I keep telling myself it will get better!!!
Today is also not a good day because it's freezing out and it's a reminder that winter is coming and I just honestly don't think I can handle another new england winter I get even more depressed and it's awful so idk what I'm going to do!!!
I just am so lost right now...I want to find me...
Anyways just venting really...thanks for reading lol...sorry I'm such a downer but I guess things have to get better from here!!!
Have a good day!!!!