"The world's a roller coaster and I am not strapped in..."
This quote just describes my life right now....It's how I am feeling. I feel like everything is just so out of control and that I don't know what is coming next or if I will even get through. I don't even feel like I am living right now...I am simply existing, and I hate it. I go through the days, go through the motions, but honestly I'm not really feeling much, just going with it. It's like I'm a walking zombie, sometimes I honestly don't even know what is going on around me....The only decent days of the week are Thursdays and Fridays because I work those days and feel somewhat productive. Only tough part about those days is that I have to put on a mask and smile there and pretend that I am okay, and that can get exhausting too, but I don't really mind it. I usually enjoy being there, and most of the people there seem to like me.
Health wise things are really rocky too, apparently I'm "sick" according to my doctor...But I'm having trouble accepting that fact I just don't think it's that serious I mean it's not like I'm that thin right now, right so why should I care...She wants me to go to treatment but I told her it's not an option right now. She's not too happy with me. OH well...
I also just feel so alone in the world, sometimes and it's tough...I know I have people, but sometimes it's just I still feel so alone i can't even describe it. Anyways....
sooo I found some pics from when I was REALLY sick a few years ago, and it really threw me off somewhat, because in some ways I miss it and want to go back I think I looked good then, so much better than i do now ugh...It's so disordered.
I can't even think clearly right now, I guess that should clue me in to the fact i'm not okay, but....oh well. This post probably makes no sense as it is lol....
Oh well I'll shut up now. I just do this for me anyways since i know no one really reads this haha. Goodnight world :)
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My days usually all run together, too. Plus, I went through a period where I was just merely existing and wasn't feeling anything and everything/everyday ran together and I had no idea what day it was. So you are working? That's good at least. ;) Where are you working? Maybe you could look into volunteering some more? Hobbies? Even going to a craft store to get little craft kits for kids.. It keeps you occupied, and I always love the kits for kids! ;) Or coloring books are good too. Those hidden picture puzzles that were highlights' magazines are good too. I have book full of those. Soduko (sp?) is good. Why isn't treatment an option for you? Didn't you say your sibling and girlfriend and kid lives with you along with your parents? Do they pay rent or anything? I mean are your parents letting them stay rent free without contributing to anything? If so, then they should help you out with treatment. That's not right. I look at myself when i was in high school and in the beginnings of my ed and i want to be that thin again too. *hugs*
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