ramblings of an insomniac lol

sooooo yep another sleepless night YAY me....
Rough day today, was just...long and there wasn't enough to distract me so i was basically stuck in my head all day. Wonderful....yeppp!!

I volunteered today (now i guess yesterday lol) and basically it was okay, but one of the people there does NOT like me at all, and will find fault with WHATEVER i am doing, be it talking with someone or something she will always come up to me and tell me what i am doing wrong. I feel like she doesn't like me and sometimes i feel like it's enough to make me not want to go back there anymore, because i AM doing the best i can and i work as hard as i can while I'm there, generally. I do what I'm supposed to. But it's never good enough for her. Basically today it was that I told a guest that if they had any questions that i was available to answer and i guess that's not enough I'm apparently supposed to know when they have a question and answer it for them before they even ask?? What...that's what she made it seem like...I don't really get it, i try to be there to answer questions and to interact with them when they want it but i try not to bug anyone and generally i can tell when a guest wants to be talked to or not and these people really did not want to be bothered. I mean I do what I can but it's never good enough for her....Just kind of upset me and made me feel like no one liked me or appreciated me there but idk I mean most people there seems to like me for the most part, so I'm trying not to let the one person interfere with that. I generally enjoy going there so i guess i shouldn't stop just because of one person right???I mean I've been doing it for 2 years now... Anyways...

Aaaand it was kinda awkward today too, because well I have this HUGE bruise on my leg, it just kinda appeared i'm not entirely sure what happened??? but anyways, some of the other people there saw it and questioned me about it asked me what happened I wasn't sure what to say... I was like ummmm...I think I just said i fell or something not sure what they think now, hopefully they're not thinking I'm crazy or anything lol. But yeahhh. I think i'm just anemic again and that's what caused it.

Right now I'm just really struggling. I really miss high school...I wish I was still there in some ways, because the last 2 years of high school at DS was one of the ONLY times in my life i felt safe, i felt like people really cared about me. I miss that. I feel like there's almost no one in my life right now who really cares. Right now i just...Want to know that someone does....It's complicated I guess...

So tonight I ate a little bit, buuut i freaked out and purged it, and I don't know how to feel about any of it. I want to be okay so badly, but I"m just struggling so much right now that I don't feel like I can pull myself out of it. I'm in a worse spot than I've been in in a long time. Physically I feel like SHIT all of the time I could barely even make it up a flight of stairs at "work" today. And yesterday I almost passed out or felt like I was going to, but was able to stop it before it happened. I can usually tell when it's going to and prevent it. Only problem was one of the people there saw me grab the wall and asked if i was okay, i was like ummm Yeah i'll be fine...He just looked at me idk what he thought...IDK what they think of me....I hope they don't think i'm crazy I want people to like me and think I'm normal or at least not crazy. Anyways back to the Ed part, i feel like shit physically and well behaviors are AWFUL purging anything I put in my mouth when i put anything in my mouth aaaandddd I've been taking these stupid diet pills again and laxatives stuff like that. I really need to stop I KNOW i do. Thoughts wise things are awful too, like I can't stop thinking about certain things and about how "fat" I am and just about how when i eat i have to purge....It's all I think about. It's reallyyyy out of control. I honestly am so stuck and don't know what to do.

I am seriously running out of hope fast. I am in so much debt have absolutely NO money, i spent the last dollar to my name on a diet coke....yeppp....I have no job, noo hope of a job, no school, and yeahhh no hope. I mean I htink i'm going to take classes at SNHU this winter but I honestly don't even know if i want to or not. Winter is sooo tough for me and idk if taking classes THEN would be a good idea. Just the thought of winter coming is scaring me, i get SO bad in teh winter like sooo bad. Seasonal depression is AAWFUL. IDK if i can handle another New England Winter like....i really don't.

Anyways, I've rambled enough. I'm sure everyone thinks i'm pathetic anyways. But oh well....I just do'nt know....But i want to be okay i really do. And i mean things have to get better right????
guess i'll attempt to get some sleep haha...Goodnight <3

Who am I?

I honestly don't know who I am anymore
I am so lost and confused and unsure right now and just don't know where to turn I have so much emotion but yet I just feel so numb. It really sucks I have no where to turn nothing. I just don't know. I still feel like the biggest failure to walk this earth with no job no school no money no life and no hope. And I owe money to my mom so I just don't know. I literally spent my last dollar todday on a diet coke yepp that's what it has come down to. Oh well.
Eating disorder wise things are bad bad bad I just don't know how to fight it anymore ive lost a lot of weight this week but I feel like it's not even noticeable and I still look fine so why should anyone care?? I mean the past few days I've eaten less than 500calories totAl and purged it too so I'm just such a mess. I need to be in treatment again but it's not an option for one and for two I'd feel stupid going in at this weight like I'm not sick enough and that people would just look at me and be like why us she there she can't have an Ed she is fat...ughhh I just want to escape my mind lol.
I just need An identity i need to know who I am especially without my Ed..but I don't know...
I just really need some hope I am running out I am so depressed!! But I guess there is one thing I keep telling myself it will get better!!!
Today is also not a good day because it's freezing out and it's a reminder that winter is coming and I just honestly don't think I can handle another new england winter I get even more depressed and it's awful so idk what I'm going to do!!!
I just am so lost right now...I want to find me...
Anyways just venting really...thanks for reading lol...sorry I'm such a downer but I guess things have to get better from here!!!
Have a good day!!!!

Where were you?

Where were you when I needed a friend?
Where were you when I wanted it all to end
Where were you when I needed you most
Where were you when I felt so gross
Where were you when I wasn’t okay
Where were you when I didn’t know what to say
Where were you when the tears rained down
Where were you when all I could do was frown
Where were you when all was lost
Where were you at that cost?
Where were you when I was in so much pain
Where were you in the endless rain
Where were you when I was flooded with shame
Where were you when I took all the blame
Where were you when he hurt me so
Where were you when I didn’t know where to go
Where were you, did you even know?
Where were you, I needed you so
Where were you when I longed for the knife
Where were you throughout my life
Where were you, when I needed you so much
Where were you when I longed for that touch
Where were you when I hurt so
Where were you when I tried to say no
Where were you when I needed to talk
Where were you when I could barely walk
Where were you, do you even care
Where were you, you were not there
Where were you when I was in strife
Where were you when I wanted to end my life
Where were you through everything that’s happened
Where were you, on you I could not depend….

Please don't believe me

Please don’t believe me
When I say I am okay
Please don’t believe me
When I say I don’t need you In any way
Please don’t believe me
I lie so much
Please don’t believe me
I need your gentle touch
Please don’t believe me
When I say I do not
Please don’t believe me
When I lie I want to be caught
Please don’t believe me
I am hurting so
Please don’t believe me
When I say to go
Please don’t believe me
I lie so much I do
Please don’t believe me
For I really do need you

just a few more pounds...

Just a few more pounds that I can lose
just a few more pounds this i choose
just a few more pounds I can look my best
just a few more pounds then I can rest
Just a few more pounds it won't hurt me
just a few more pounds then I might see
Just a few more pounds maybe then i'll be happy
just a few more pounds can't possibly hurt me
Just a few more pounds i know i've said it before
just a few more pounds i promise no more
Just a few more pounds i'm finally close to my goal
just a few more pounds i won't lose control
just a few more pounds i promise i will stop
just a few more pounds then i'll be at the top
just a few more pounds isn't that much
just a few more pounds has become my crutch
just a few more pounds I want to weigh less
just a few more pounds I will look my best
just a few more pounds I promise no more
just a few more pounds I have come to abhor
Just a few more pounds is it so tough
just a few more pounds is it ever enough???
just a few more pounds please stop now
just a few more pounds do not allow
just a few more pounds i am so close to my goal
just a few more pounds but at what toll?
just a few more pounds you don't realize what it can do
just a few more pounds could be the end of you...

in my skin

Never feeling comfortable in my skin
It is just the shell I am in
I always wonder, am I fat or thin
Can they see the tears falling to my chin?
I always wonder, can they tell
That I am going through this hell….
Please don’t look me in the eyes
For it might uncover all of my lies
The truth is not ready to be told
Of all of the hurts of old
Could they ever understand what goes on in my head?
The constant feelings of insecurity, of dread
Some days I don’t even know how to feel
Nothing even seems real
I feel like I’m living in a daze
Everything is all in a haze
My mind constantly playing tricks on me
Panic has taken over and won’t let me be free
Trying to tell myself everything will be okay
But I still have to deal with this feeling every day…..

Don't look into the mirror

Don’t look in the mirror
All it does is tell lies
You will no longer see your beauty
Your body you will despise
Don’t look in the mirror
For it is not true
You will no longer see
The real you
Don’t look in the mirror
For it tells you you are fat
It tells you you are gross
Tells you to do this, do that
Don’t look in the mirror
Don’t believe what it tells you
For you are beautiful
And you are true
Don’t look in the mirror
It will tell you all your flaws
It won’t say anything nice
It’ll pull you in by its evil claws
Don’t look in the mirror
For I want you to view
The real and inner beauty you possess
The beauty held by you