Broken

Her body is alive, but her soul is dying
Her spirit is fighting, and her mind is obeying
Her eyes may be dry, but her heart’s always crying
Her voice may be full of truth, but her words are always lying
Her lips remain in a smile, but that smile is fake, no longer real
Her secrets are not spoken, the truth she conceals
Her life may be in repair but her heart will not heal
Her body may be safe, but her mind she shields
Her innocence gone but she cannot hide
Her mind is bursting, but she is empty inside
Her hopes fade as she struggles and fights
Her eyes are open but her vision’s not right
Her ears are listening but everything remains unheard
Her mouth goes to speak, but only silence is heard
Her memory is clear, but her mind’s blurred
Her questions are asked, but they remain unanswered
Her mouth is speaking but the words she cannot say
Her body is in the present but her mind has gone astray
Her smile may seem happy, but that happiness if fake
Her body may be intact, but her mind’s about to break
Her secrets become revealed but she still hides
Her body is her own, but in her heart it still resides
Her soul’s been broken, and abused….and somehow she still survives….

Does anyone care???

Does anyone care when I can’t continue to fight?
Does anyone care when tears and fright fill the night?
Does anyone care when my tears fall silently to the ground?
Does anyone care when help just can’t be found?
Does anyone care when I feel so low?
Does anyone care when I can’t even bring myself to say hello?
Does anyone care when I am lost in so many ways
Does anyone care when I am not around for days?
Does anyone care when I push people away?
Does anyone care when I don’t know what to say?
Does anyone care when I’ve lost all of my friends?
Does anyone care when it feels like the end?
Does anyone care when I feel so sad?
Does anyone care when it gets so bad?
Does anyone care when I can’t be there?
Does anyone care when I am so scared?
Does anyone care when I isolate myself?
Does anyone care when I am lost on the farthest shelf?
Does anyone care when I am unsure of what to do
Does anyone care, please tell me you do??

ABC's of an eating disorder....

I wrote this forever ago...
A is for the anxiety you always know
B is for the bones you wish to show
C is for the compulsions you always do
D is for the death that could overtake you
E is for emaciation, eating, ednos, and overexercise
F is for the feeding tube they will put in regardless of your cries
G is for the guilt you will always feel
H is for the hate which is so real
I is for yourself, whom you no longer know
J is for justification, you always show
K is for the ketosis that your body will know
L is for the lanugo, which you will grow
M is for medications of laxatives and diet pills
N is for the nutrition for which your body wills
O is for obvious obsession
P is for purging which has you in possession
Q is for quiet, for you never speak of your disease
R is for the rest, which your body never sees
S is for the self- starvation you know best
T is for the triggers you know the rest
U is for how unhealthy your body has become
V is for validation, all you want is some
W is for wishing you could be thinner
X is for the countless X-rays you will require
Y is for yourself you no longer admire
Z is for zero which is the number for which you aspire……

Roller Coaster....

"The world's a roller coaster and I am not strapped in..."
This quote just describes my life right now....It's how I am feeling. I feel like everything is just so out of control and that I don't know what is coming next or if I will even get through. I don't even feel like I am living right now...I am simply existing, and I hate it. I go through the days, go through the motions, but honestly I'm not really feeling much, just going with it. It's like I'm a walking zombie, sometimes I honestly don't even know what is going on around me....The only decent days of the week are Thursdays and Fridays because I work those days and feel somewhat productive. Only tough part about those days is that I have to put on a mask and smile there and pretend that I am okay, and that can get exhausting too, but I don't really mind it. I usually enjoy being there, and most of the people there seem to like me.
Health wise things are really rocky too, apparently I'm "sick" according to my doctor...But I'm having trouble accepting that fact I just don't think it's that serious I mean it's not like I'm that thin right now, right so why should I care...She wants me to go to treatment but I told her it's not an option right now. She's not too happy with me. OH well...
I also just feel so alone in the world, sometimes and it's tough...I know I have people, but sometimes it's just I still feel so alone i can't even describe it. Anyways....
sooo I found some pics from when I was REALLY sick a few years ago, and it really threw me off somewhat, because in some ways I miss it and want to go back I think I looked good then, so much better than i do now ugh...It's so disordered.
I can't even think clearly right now, I guess that should clue me in to the fact i'm not okay, but....oh well. This post probably makes no sense as it is lol....
Oh well I'll shut up now. I just do this for me anyways since i know no one really reads this haha. Goodnight world :)

Another sleepless night....

Another sleepless night...Welcome to my life...LOL
If anyone knew how little i truly sleep...well, they'd probably wonder how i function. I wonder how i function half the time!!
I hate sleep...Sleep is just not a pleasant thing for me, so sometimes i avoid it. Makes no sense to most people but it makes sense to me...I don't like to deal with it, there are so many reasons, mostly because of the dreams but also because i don't like not knowing what is going on around me, you know?? Sleep just seems...unsafe sometimes. I don't know, also it's another control thing for me, i can't control a lot of my life but I can control how much i eat and sleep...It'll probably catch up to me eventually. Most nights i'm also too hungry to sleep, and all i can think about is food not sleep and my mind runs at about a million miles a second so yeah...Everyone must think I'm crazy. Oh well, what's new really haha, anyone who knows me knows i am so....yep!
Anyways, I'm feeling really low, physically and emotionally, and eating disorder wise things are a mess. My life just feels like one big mess right now. I mean...I feel like the biggest failure to walk the earth. How much more of a failure can you get than not being in school, not having a job and no money, nothing. I mean i have decided that i am going to take classes in January at SNHU but still, it's not the same. I miss college and college life so much. But like i said before, i have HOPE....I am stronger than I think....I can do this....
I want to recover so badly right now, but I am struggling so much. I can't even think clearly anymore, my mind is such a mess and the ED thoughts and urges are just so strong, stronger than I am right now, I will continue to fight as much as i can but it's tough...
Honestly I don't even know what to say here....Nothing's new really and I'm just rambling probably....but i felt like posting something....Anyways like i said, i have hope and nothing will ever take that away!!!!!!!!!! I will win this battle somehow, one way or another, I have to...No other options...Things will improve....
I found this that i wrote a while back and it gave me hope again...I mean if i could fight it and win even for a few months before, i can do it again....

A number has been In my head for far too long
A number I had to be, I had to keep strong
That number had so much power over me
So much that what it was doing to me I could not see
That number on the scale I had to be
That number always haunted me
One pound over would cause me to freak-out
Nothing anyone said could help me out
Exercise, restrict, purge, anything to get to that weight
Get back to that number I thought was so great
Perfection I just had to be
At that weight of 93
Though at that number I was slowly dying
For nutrition, my body needs I was denying
So I finally made a decision to let go of that number
To venture out and try to recover
It was the hardest decision I ever made
But from that number I have strayed
I am now at a healthy body weight
And I feel so great
a number on a scale should never control you
there is so much more in life you can do

Anyways if anyone does happen to be reading this...Which i doubt since i'm not that interesting...I hope you have a wonderful night and remember YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND AMAZING JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


<3

You are stronger than you think!!

I keep repeating this to myself every few minutes... Remind myself that it's true and that nothing anyone says should keep this from being true!!
I just realized that it is September (yeahhh I'm a bit slow
Sometimes) anyways this brings up a lot of emotions and its difficult. Of all of the months September brings the most challenges for me, lots of memories and stressors especially the fact that everyone is returning to school and I am not. This makes me feel like the biggest failure ever! Logically I know it's not true and there is so much more to it than that but when everyone is constantly bringing it up and the fact I don't have a job it's tough!! I'm loOking but really there's not much out there and it sucks!! I have no money no school no job...but I still have hope and no one can take that from me!!!!
Ed wise things have been well... Not so great I wont go into detail but behaviors thoughts and health haven't been so good, worse than it's been in a long time. I feel like shut all the time and I ended up passing out one night I'm scared but don't know what to do. I won't give up though I know I have to keep fighting this!!! There really is only one option... To fight because the alternative is living with this till it eventually kills me and well that option sucks so I won't even consider it!!! Sometimes it's rough with the comments though mom told me I needed to start going to the gym or I'll get "flabby" whatttttt seriously?? Idk what to think of that is she calling me fat??? Ed wants to run with it but I won't I know going to the gym would NOT be healthy for me right now I mean I can barely climb a flight of stairs without almost passing out so the gym... Not a good idea!!!! Anywys....
You are stronger than you think.... I will keep repeating this to myself and keep up hope.... Things will improve :) they have to the only way to go is up....remember rock bottom is good solid ground and a dead end is just a place to turn around!!!!!!!!
Hope everyone has a wonderful day ;) love u all!!!!!!

Uhhhmmmmm

Soooo I thought I'd start up blogging again, maybe thought it might help me some....Anyways this is my first post in a while, i started a tumblr but I think I like this better. Anyways....
I’m struggling. Struggling more than ever right now with my eating disorder. I feel so low, I barely even have the motivation to get up in the morning anymore. I don’t have the motivation to apply to anymore jobs, because well….I’m just going to be rejected anyways….People think I’m fine…I put up a good mask when I’m out. But sometimes I just want to scream I AM NOT OKAY CAN’T YOU SEE…..Yeah my weight might not be that low right now even though i’ve lost over 20 lbs, but all in all my behaviors and thoughts and stuff are worse than ever. I just honestly don’t see how I can get myself out of this spot on my own. I think I need to be back in treatment, or something. I can’t do it anymore. I WANT TO BE OKAY!!!!!!!!! But I just don’t know how to be. Is there any hope for me? I want to believe there is. I want to believe I can recover. But after 10 years of this is it even possible???? I just want another chance at recovery, yes I’ve had 2 chances already, but just one more time…please…I just don’t know if that is even possible….Anyways don’t know what else to say really, but I hope everyone else is doing well :)